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sepublic · 10 months ago

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Overlord the Dark Wyvern is the ultimate empath; She’s made of the same stuff that all minds and emotions are, called Dark/Yin energy. That makes her naturally attuned to everyone else’s feelings, and she can’t turn it off. As a result, she’s susceptible to not the good feelings, but the bad ones… Pain, sorrow, hatred, etc.

And it’s utter agony for her, the presence of the good will always be drowned out by the presence of even one speck of the pain; Overlord fixates deeply on these negative feelings, and it’s difficult to just ignore the way anger and self-loathing are addictive, it’s how psychology works, it’s why ragebait garners more views.

The darkness completely sours and overtake Overlord’s attention, and she grows to see the worst in people. It doesn’t help that she has a strong sense of morality, which isn’t necessarily the same as being moral, either; It just means Overlord subscribes strictly to a set of rules, and takes any violation of them severely, wanting to see any ‘resolution’ all the way through. And boy can she feel more knee-jerk indignant, and immediately assume those feelings as correct, than she should.

Combine this with the fact that all three Tao Wyverns have god complexes ranging from low-key to high-key; Being born as direct children of the Great Entity, and their most powerful ones, representing the three energies that make up the universe, will do that to you. There’s this sense that they all have an innate responsibility/authority due to their lineage and vast power.

So while Titan insists on being as passive as possible, not intervening in mortal affairs unless the larger existence of all mortals is threatened, Overlord has decided that the mortals need a ruler. A savior, a leader to guide them into a proper age. This isn’t just her having greater pride, it’s also motivated by the fact that she’s constantly prone to the suffering of mortals; Ignoring it isn’t working, so the only solution is to remove suffering through her own hands, rather than waiting for unreliable mortals to figure it out for her.

This might seem more compassionate at first glance, but to be honest… Overlord’s ‘plan’ to make people get along, to eliminate or at least minimize suffering, has ethical issues. The way she sees it, the overwhelming majority of suffering comes from the shortcomings of others; People aren’t able to pick up on others’ suffering, they don’t address them, they do things that hurt people without caring. People simply don’t care enough, is what Overlord has decided.

How do you make them care? Give them a reason to care, because mortals are inherently selfish; There is no such thing as truly unconditional love, everyone devotes themselves to others because seeing others thrive makes them happy. It all comes back to one’s own happiness, doesn’t it? And it’s hard to be happy if you’re miserable…

Overlord didn’t immediately go through with her plan, she observed and experimented for centuries. She saw how mortals were frighteningly dull in their senses; They could not hear or feel what others felt, which made it easy to disregard them as separate entities, when the truth was what they were all the same, coming from the same being and comprising that same Great Entity. But many could be compelled to feel compassion, or change their actions, upon feeling empathy; Upon realizing the true scope of what they’d done, upon understanding what it was like to be on the other end of cruelty, and not being able to live with propagating that cruelty.

The ultimate nature of compassion proved too elusive for Overlord, or anyone really, to truly comprehend; To keep things simple, it seemed the most reliable and easiest method was to just make people empathize. Empathy was a way to establish consequences; Children are naturally low in empathy, but when they understand consequences, especially in regards to things they feel attachment towards, then they learn and appreciate morality. The mortals are all children, with their pitiful lifespans compared to Overlord’s.

How do you get them to understand? To feel? Overlord meditated; The Great Entity’s three energies were still largely concentrated in the three ‘realms’ of this universe, and their Yin became the Dream Aether. It embodied not just the collective dreams of all, but the Great Entity’s dreams, and their knowledge was hidden deep below… Due to her nature, Overlord was the best out of all her siblings at connecting to this vast well of knowledge to glean inspiration in the mind of god.

That’s when she knew her answer; Each Tao Wyvern had blood, blood they could use to imbue their own essence and properties into other beings. Overlord’s was Dark Matter, and she would infect all mortals with it. They would partake in her natural empathy, a collective hivemind; Except not for thoughts, but for emotions, for feelings. If one felt grief, all would feel grief. If one felt rage, all would feel rage. And the only way to end that agony was to resolve it.

Overlord predicted that the mortals’ first instinct would just be to silence the source of their agony entirely, but that’s where she stepped in to dictate and lead them, to threaten them into doing otherwise; They would work out their differences. And as she reasoned, even without Overlord’s guidance, the mortals would inevitably realize the problem with just snuffing out an individual source of suffering; Because that would create a butterfly effect, as those who cared for that person would also suffer. That would create even more suffering, as would the feelings the source would have over being murdered; So the inevitable choice would be to address the source’s suffering in a healthy manner that avoided their death.

It was not a perfect system, Overlord knew; Animals still needed to die, and animals were often too stupid to listen. And she admittedly felt some moral reluctance on making others suffer… But it was the best solution she could come up with, she rationalized it was for the Greater Good, and would minimize the agony she had to deal with; Maybe then she could finally find peace…Was it secretly okay with Overlord to want things for herself and others, or did she feel shame in these impure intentions and insist there was no other motive? Thus deluding her to her own issues?

Now, it did occur to Overlord, an ultimate solution; Wiping out all mortals, ending their entire existence, snuffing out all feelings and emotions and especially suffering. That might displease Titan and Preeminent…

(Either, each Wyvern has all three energies, but is just so dominated by one… Or they only consist of that one energy. The latter option might make her siblings the only beings in the universe that Overlord could feel at peace around, but it also meant she was naturally doomed to miscommunicate with them, just as mortals were with each other; Not so different after all, were they?)

But Overlord felt an obligation to the Great Entity, to cultivate their generations, to be a dutiful child. She would not go that far, and maybe she feared being forever haunted by the collective agony of every mortal upon their demise anyway. Likewise, she felt morally obligated to let mortals live, because these other priorities were an extension of Overlord’s rigid sense of morality.

Titan obviously objected to Overlord’s plan; This was too far, this was messing with the very nature of the mortals, and unbalancing them! Overlord accused Titan of having it easy, her sister could afford to ignore the suffering of mortals; She was able to ignore it at all! It did not come so easy to Overlord, every mortal’s pain, was HER pain, if a mortal bled, so did she. Overlord was the only one who understood the mortals, far more than her other siblings; They were selfish and closed-off, she decided.

Overlord came to conflict with Titan, who had the help of two mortals; One of them was able to act as a host, amplifying Titan’s power to tip the balance in her favor. Overlord was defeated, but simply destroying her would not work out; She was intertwined with the Great Entity, an immortal being. And one death had already proven to Overlord that she could still feel as she waited to eventually reform… So destroying herself routinely was no option for her peace of mind.

Instead, she was trapped, sealed away; It felt no different to Overlord than being temporarily destroyed, except after destruction, she could reform to change the world around her. Sealed away, Overlord could do nothing; All she could do was hope someone else would release her, but with Titan and her mortal champion burying that knowledge, she was doomed.

Did Overlord feel Titan’s grief at having to do this to her sister, to spare the mortals and the greater wellbeing of everyone else? Did it just add to her own misery, enrage her; How dare her sister add to her already unimaginable agony?! Overlord was left no choice but to seethe and simmer in pain for millennia, building even greater resentment towards the mortals, and becoming all the more convinced and stubborn of her cause. She would eventually be freed by a child of Titan’s champion, as well as a delusional mortal with a similar desire for control named Charren…

Overlord’s character is a tragic one, in many ways; She didn’t ask to be made like this. Her existence is one so particular and unique, as an empath with no control over her receptiveness to others’ feelings. It’s the curse of her nature, and there doesn’t seem to be an easy way out…

Except, maybe there is; Titan felt grief for her sister, and actually meditated on, and considered, a way to separate a Tao Wyvern from most of their power, reducing them to a shadow of their former self; Existing on the same scale as mere mortals, even if still immortal themselves. She hoped finding a way to split Overlord from her own Dark energy could make her far less receptive, maybe even immune like mortals are, to the Dark energy of others.

But this would reduce Overlord to a mere nobody, it would deprive her of the sacred duty she felt towards the Great Entity; It was still her task to oversee the universe, and losing so much agency and control that came with that power was unimaginable to her. Overlord still felt pride, and maybe Titan DID bring up the option to her beforehand; Maybe Overlord turned it down. Maybe she did trap herself in this dilemma, because she’d have been given an out.

Overlord is kind of a commentary, I suppose, on empathy; Namely deconstructing the idea that empathy necessarily makes you a good person, because there are plenty of people with low empathy who can be kind. And there are many with high empathy, whose reaction to feeling others’ suffering is to only be angry at them for being exposed to it. There are many people who feel empathy for others, they just choose not to feel it for others; Like it’s something they can turn on and off at will, which I’m sure Overlord would be jealous of.

Overlord is those high-empathy people, the ones I’ve mentioned who feel enraged at being made to partake in the suffering of others. Maybe she did feel some compassion, at some point; But as someone, probably Trexdis, angrily calls out; She doesn’t actually care about others for their sake, Overlord just cares about her own peace and quiet. And that does raise the question, of whether caring for others and yourself are necessarily mutually exclusive, if they can go hand in hand together and don’t have to be separate…

And yet, Overlord’s plan is juxtaposed with the intentions of the protagonists of the GEverse’s third arc; I want to explore the idea of people who have suffered themselves, but then choose to be kinder, so as to spare others that pain. They’d rather not have others suffer like they do, just to be understood; Pain is not good, it just tears down. A better world comes in minimizing that. There’s a difference between not wanting people to go through the same things you did, and not communicating to them how much it’s sucked, either; You’re still allowed to bring up your own issues to call people out, get them to stop.

One of the protagonists for this arc is Sally the Slicer, a former serial killer who is devoid of empathy; Yet she’s able to care. She found a way to, on some level she became dissatisfied with her current existence, recognized it was going nowhere, and wanted something more meaningful. And by befriending others, she’s begun to adopt their morals for their own sake, because she cares about them; Even if in the end, Sally feels nothing if she murders a child. But that doesn’t mean she can’t understand that it’s wrong and should be avoided.

Sally can’t feel; Not just emotions, but she also can’t feel most physical sensations. Her sense of touch is mostly numb, and this is due to evil experiments by a group later revealed to have been founded by Preeminent, of all people; Haha, what a way for one sibling to mess with the other, so indirectly but inevitably! But yeah, Sally is a being cursed with numbness, and she was reprogrammed to find only delight in murdering, that’s why she was a serial killer at all.

So it kind of is a sacrifice on her part not to indulge in that as much; And I say as much, because Sally still believes that sometimes, you gotta kill some people. She considers herself a moral pragmatist, and after having an existential crisis over being only good for destruction and tearing down, she opted to repurpose that into something productive because destruction and creation are two sides of the same coin. This helps goes with the Yin-Yang symbolism with this arc.

Again, that’s why Sally began allying with others, to help them and feel constructive as a way to assuage her emptiness. One could say she only did it to add to her satisfaction from killing, knowing it was doing something; Except she also toned down the killing a lot, only doing it as necessary per her first friend Talikal’s instructions. Talikal’s a big douche, more on him later, but he’s still got some morals, and is also being practical regarding his goals; Sally’s moral pragmatism was influenced by him.

The third arc is discussing the idea of… What is Good and Evil? How do we define it? How do we define morals? What makes someone Good, what makes someone Evil? Is it dis/regard for others? Does goodness come from empathy, is compassion rooted in empathy and nothing without it? Or do people like Sally put a hole in that theory? What is justice, should it be punitive, or restorative? Is it harm reduction we’re going for, and that’s why someone like Sally is allowed to go free and become better?

Yin-Yang’s aesthetics make it easy to sort into the binaries of Good and Evil, but that’s a Western misunderstanding; Its binaries are morally neutral. So there’s potential in deconstructing Good and Evil within Yin and Yang, because Overlord has high empathy but isn’t really a ‘good’ person, in layman’s terms… Titan elects for total passivity, but is that necessarily right? After all, should we not feel obligated to do something about the world around us, as Overlord does?

Anyhow, the ethical problem with Overlord’s plan is that she thinks increasing the suffering in this world, making everyone share it, will necessarily be a good thing in the long run; But sometimes, trauma doesn’t make you better or stronger, it just breaks you down. People can find ways to be better, or encourage others to be, without making them suffer, just understand. Maybe that’s the real solution; Understanding. But how can you make people understand?! That’s why Overlord opts for making all of society into one collective empath, plus that solution is easier and more accessible with her own abilities and nature.

If we define things by the Greater Good, then does that mean Overlord’s suffering is a Necessary Evil, a sacrifice? Or is it just a sacrifice for the comfort of everyone else? Some believe that if even one suffers, then the rest do, on a more abstract level; How can you turn your eye away from that? I like to imagine an exchange between Overlord and Trexdis, who claims that Trex and everyone else is using her as their martyr, their sacrificial lamb, in exchange for their own convenience; Because they will not partake in Overlord’s suffering for the greater good.

Trexdis, who can be quite blunt when she puts her mind to things, asks So what? Aren’t mortals your priority, Overlord? Or are you angry that we might matter more than you, who is allegedly of greater authority because you said so? Because yeah, this arc also questions the inherent authority of the Tao Wyverns, if it really truly matters that they were born directly from the Great Entity and are stronger than everyone else, etc.

The Wyverns aren’t Gods, which is also part of Lloyd’s arc and how they grapple with feel obligated to a greater destiny as Titan’s new champion; Not unlike Overlord… Except Trexdis calls that out as bullshit, Lloyd is just a kid, and she’s not going to let Titan groom this child like Arkley already did. But shouldn’t the Greater Good be prioritized over one child’s life? What’s different between Lloyd and Overlord? Are they sacrificial lambs, meant to bear all of the world’s agony for them like Jesus, whether they actually want to or not?

But maybe there’s always been another way; Which for Overlord, could just be eradicating everyone… Or it could just involve letting go of her pride and control, because a lot of her obsession with sticking to her power is because just the thought of these unresolved injustices bothers her; She can’t let it go like she does the anger she feels. I think Overlord does care on some level, but that care has warped into a self-destructive need for control. And she can’t have that without power.

There’s lot of stuff about feeling, emotional and physical, and how they can be tied together; Body and Mind are intertwined, Yin and Yang, and fittingly the Mind is Yin, and the Body is Yang, which is Titan’s domain. That plays into the Techna League wanting to put everyone’s brains into machines for their good, deciding a loss of feeling is a necessary evil, and also wanting to do away with that necessary evil by figuring out how to perfect the interface; Thereby making their solution morally perfect! The numbness of Technas parallels Sally’s…

And then we have the Ensemble, who is a reverse Techna, a computer brain within an organic shell, and a hive mind at that, hearkening to Overlord’s plans. They’re a hedonist, they love the physical pleasure that comes from their organic bodies, and it creates a juxtaposition with Sally; Yin and Yang. They’re also a mercenary who cares mostly for themselves, so there’s potential in the whole ‘Selfish/Selfless’ motives, how the Ensemble isn’t necessarily bad. What are Moral Obligations? I think those definitely exist because on some level, we gotta cut out the overthinking and adhere to common sense.

But yeah, that’s Overlord the Dark Wyvern; Her personality and motives, her issues, what she represents, etc. She’s a deeply frustrated, stressed-out, and seething entity; Maybe she isn’t just making everyone feel each other’s pain for the greater good, maybe there’s some genuine spite and resentment towards the world, and so she wants them to feel her anger, and take it out on everyone else; Make them suffer as she did, make them suffer period. That hearkens back to the Retributive VS Restorative justice thing, because it seems Overlord may also believe in punishment as a part of morality…?

She is NOT happy when Wayvren and Charren release her; She’s just less agonized, that’s all she really is. Never quite happy, and at some point I think she’s chosen to ignore happiness to just fixate on her frustrations, because there’s something addicting about that, it feels cathartic and good in a way that makes no damn sense. It’s like self-harm, and in the end it leads Overlord to harm a lot of other people; It’s like how she believes that if one suffers, all suffer. Is this appropriate or ironic? For a Literature major like Trexdis, it’s just confusing.

Overlord can’t read thoughts, not exactly; Her main domain is on emotions, intent, feelings. She can feel the deepest, darkest secrets within one’s heart, and it provokes a moral outrage and disgust in her, which is the reason why she can’t just let go of her power to be at peace; It’s her own sense of justice that compels her to keep it, to ‘fix’ people.

Again, the Good/Evil dichotomy, because if you have Bad feelings and thoughts, but keep them in control like Sally the Slicer and her love of murder does… Does it really matter? As long as you do no harm, it might make no difference on whether you’re a Good or Bad person… But it CAN mean something regarding your own personal suffering, if it’s difficult to handle these feelings and keep them in check, if you’re disturbed by your thoughts. And that can be grounds for people to understand and support you, without having to participate in those same feelings.

Not only is Overlord desperately trying to keep her peace and quiet, but she’s also a deeply righteous being who believes that intrusive thoughts make you evil and prove it. That moral code is why she can’t just kill everyone because she believes in Good and Evil, or her definition of it which shares some very basic tenets with the common understanding. But that righteous crusader vibe is juxtaposed with her looking conventionally ‘evil’ and ‘dark’ compared to Titan.

And ironically, it’s that obsession with defining morality, and being far too strict with it, that makes Overlord so destructive; Especially compared to Titan’s passivity, with Sally’s moral pragmatism, because Overlord believes in the principle of things, in Purity, because she sees emotions and feelings and they’re a lot harder to ignore when it comes to deciding Good and Evil. Conversely, characters like Sally can’t, Sally can’t even empathize…

So again; Are the protagonists just lucky, and Overlord unlucky? Do they have any right to judge? Do they need to have personally gone through the same to condemn, because again, do we really want people to feel and experience exactly as we have?

Are feelings necessarily good; Overlord’s knee jerk ‘moral’ reactions make her assume she’s right, but not always. Meanwhile Sally doesn’t feel anything, and is a moral pragmatist. Are feelings necessary to be happy, or can they be more pain than they’re worth? How would the Ensemble feel, would this be what Charren needs to hear to justify her violation of others’ bodies?

Is compassion a feeling, or is just pragmatic logic; Is logic really so objective, or is there a base subjective goal of builds itself around? Hence Overlord representing the Mind, which isn’t necessarily Emotions. Hence her being able to access calculations within the Great Entity, while an AI like the Ensemble has a very personal, feelings goal that their logic revolves around.

And in essence, the paradox of Overlord is that she’s a rigidly righteous crusader, and those feelings are at odds with… SO many feelings she wants to be rid of; She wants to care for herself. She wants to care about others, but is that righteousness just selfish and coming from a sense of pride and control? Being pulled in two directions cancels out, Overlord can only stay in one place, she can’t go anywhere; She is trapped, hence her agonizing dilemma.

She believes in her authority, both moral and in general. She’s disgusted at evil and seeks to eradicate it, especially because of how it leads to suffering, and she is disturbed by both cruel thoughts and actual suffering. And if she just killed everyone, the silence would only be replaced by her own guilt over her hypocrisy; She’s not heartless, but it’s hard to tell where the line is between her compassion and selfishness, and it’s possibly a very thin one.

In the end, I wonder if maybe her indignation towards cruelty and the suffering it causes may have been sparked by seeing mortals she cared for also get hurt; Overlord was made to feel their pain, she saw the direct connection between injustice and suffering, and ill intentions. It awakened her eyes, more than they’d already been, and what had once been something she could overlook, was now something Overlord had to obsess over and could not just let go of. Moral indignation fuels the resentment Overlord feels over her own suffering, inherent or related to those she cared about.

There were other options; Just letting go, focusing on the good, resolving the bad as much as you have to and moving on. Letting go of that power entirely, letting go of that obligation that is making you both miserable, and a tyrant in trying to fulfill it. Maybe Overlord should look into Buddhism, we’ve already discussed Daoism (Maybe Western conceptions of Good and Evil are the problem haha, hence why it doesn't fit within Yin and Yang and leads to Overlord's mandess).

In the meantime, maybe our protagonists are just gonna have to make Overlord let go, because this cycle can’t keep going, and there’s no real difference between destroying Overlord and waiting for her to reform, or sealing her away knowing eventually, she’ll get out. It could be right away, too; Destroying Overlord guarantees a consistent temporality, trapping her means it’s very flexible which could be in their favor or not.

#Overlord the Dark Wyvern #Sally the Slicer #The Ensemble #Titan the Golden Wyvern #Tao Wyverns #OC #OCs #My OCs #GEverse

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greiiliss · 3 years ago

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After this episode I have so many thoughts and feelings about the Oak-(Swallows)-Garcia men/boys that I absolutely need to write down:

Henry saw his father's example of how to treat people, and decided he wanted to be nothing like it, so he became kind and compassionate and deeply, deeply caring. And he tried to pass this onto his sons because he wanted the hurt that he went through as a child to end with him.

But Henry didn't have any good examples of how to be a parent. His father was dismissive and cruel, and his mother apathetic and afraid. He had no one to show him how to teach and guide his sons, and he was afraid of over-managing their lives the way his father had, so he erred on the side of giving them ample space to figure things out on their own and supporting them as best he can.

So the twins are told from birth that they are loved unconditionally, that no matter what they will be forgiven. They are told this so much it practically becomes white noise to them. Even if they burn down their classroom, or destroy the tree in the front yard, or start a cult in a city in another realm, their dad might get mad for a bit, but he won't really do anything about it, and it'll all be okay, he'll laugh it off and tell them how much he loves them. They're having fun, it's not like they've done anything that serious!

Until suddenly, they have done something very serious. They have done something so horrible that it very nearly ended the world entirely. What did they expect would happen afterward, do you think? I imagine that they thought -that Lark at the very least thought- that Henry would be furious with them. If there was anything for Henry to be really mad at them about, to never forgive them for, it has to be this, right?

But... he's not. Henry doesn't blame them, and when they blame themselves he says that he forgives them? This doesn't make sense to them, and we can know that this doesn't make sense to them, because Lark's spent the past few weeks hating Henry because of Walter's injury, something Henry was only indirectly involved in. We don't even know if Lark ever forgave Henry, so what reason would he have to assume his father would ever forgive him for doing something infinitely worse?

The twins are scared, because they think they should be hated, and they don't understand the unconditional love and forgiveness that their father is offering them. So Lark does what many scared and confused people do: he lashes out at what he doesn't understand. Every time Henry tells him he's not to blame for what happened, or that he loves him, or that he forgives him, Lark rejects it.

Sparrow takes a different approach. He's already been told that he needs to be a "love wolf", but he's only really taken in that lesson in a "letter of the law" kind of way. So he tries to be nice. He says the nice things, marries the nice woman, and he says the "right" things when he gets angry to try and absolve himself of all blame. He's trying to emulate his father's approach to life, but he doesn't actually understand it, so his actions are hollow, and quite often ingenuine. And he blames himself for the Doodler's release just as much as Lark does, so he also feels that he's fundamentally unlovable. He marries a woman who cheats on him because why should it matter that she maybe doesn't love him when no one ever will?

If you believe yourself to be unlovable because of something you've done, you don't believe in unconditional love, so it is impossible for you to give unconditional love.

This is the environment Normal is raised in, with a mother incapable of sharing her own opinions out of a dedication to centrism, and two father figures who believe themselves to be fundamentally unlovable and are therefore incapable of extending unconditional love to anyone else. There are conditions that he needs to meet in order to be loved by his dad, and he doesn't meet them. He probably hasn't for awhile, but he only really realized it recently when Sparrow just told him outright.

And the incredible thing about Normal? This doesn't break him. He holds onto his identity even though he's hurt and upset that his father isn't proud of him. Normal saw his father's example of how to treat people and decided he wanted to be nothing like it, so he apologizes for yelling at Taylor, and he stands up for himself, and he still loves his family even though they've hurt him. Just like his grandfather did, Normal was raised in an environment that tried to stifle him and separate him from other people, and instead chose to love himself and others as much as he possibly can.

And this difference between the generations is illustrated so well through Lark/Normal looking into the Doodler's mind:

Lark sees inside the Doodler's mind, sees that it wants to be loved, sees that it's hurt people without meaning to, fucking sees himself in it, and decides that it deserves to die.

Normal sees inside the Doodler's mind, sees that it wants to be loved, sees how things always go wrong when it tries to reach out for that love, sees himself in the Doodler, and he decides that the Doodler needs help.

(And you just know that if Henry had been the one to see inside its head instead of Lark, he would've done the exact same thing. Normal is such a good character to carry on Henry's legacy, it makes me want to fucking cry.)

#dndads #dndaddies #dungeons and daddies #dndads spoilers #normal oak #henry oak #lark oak garcia #sparrow oak garcia #i did not intend for this to be this long but once I started typing i physically could not stop lol #i just love characters who are fundamentally about love #greii talks

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thousand-winters · 2 years ago

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What are your favourite tlh characters and why?

Hi there! ✨

If you have seen my blog the past few weeks, you probably can guess some of them, but here we go:

Grace

I feel like Grace is one of the most complex characters we've ever gotten in TSC and it feels like such a breath of fresh air. Don't get me wrong, I am perfectly aware that these are YA novels, so I generally don't expect the books to be super amazing, I know what I'm signing up for, but that's precisely why I like her so much. Her personality is very unlike other female characters we've gotten in the series and I don't mean that in a "not like other girls" sense but in the sense that it caught my attention immediately, because CC doesn't have the best track of giving her girls gray morality without treating them like they suck for that.

I guess I was always curious about her? Even in CoG she gave the impression she was more than she seemed, and reading her backstory in CoI just made me hurt for her and root for her to have a happy ending after so much misery. There's something really satisfying about characters that have faced so much hardships finally getting a chance to simply be.

Alastair

Oh, boy. When I first read CoG and I read about Alastair, he felt to me so much like my older brother that I loved him immediately. It helped that I found his snark incredibly funny. However... as I kept reading TLH, he actually started reminding me of, well, myself. For many reasons, but let's not get too personal here, haha, let's just say I found his flaws, his struggles, and his stubbornness to go on in spite of that very relatable. How could I not love him deeply and dearly?

Aside from my biased reasons, I also find that his character is written very consistently and I loved his character arc (I stand by how simplistic some things felt in COT, but even so), how he had his highs and his lows, that was very nicely done. He also feels like a complex character because he's allowed to fuck up badly and it doesn't get swept under the rug, though I would say they go the other way with him and Grace by being too harsh, but I'll take my wins where I can.

Christopher

Oh, Kit, sweet Kit, you were the best of them all. Christopher is such a great character because, while mostly ignored the first two books, he's endearing practically without trying. CC's books have this thing where sometimes they try to convince you a character is likable for X reasons and it simply doesn't work for me that they tell me that I should love a character.

Christopher doesn't have that problem, they kinda present him to you as this klutzy nerd, but he's so much more than that. His logic helps him be the most compassionate and kind from the group, no matter what the narrative tries to tell you. He's perceptive, he's fair, he's fun. Who doesn't like Christopher even if he isn't their favorite? He knows what he is and what he wants and he follows through with it, he's such a pillar of the group that passes unnoticed because he's always in the background, but by the gods, he's so good.

Honorary mentions

Thomas and Ari.

I adored Thomas in CoT, though I must admit he doesn't spark my curiosity and excitement quite like the other three did, in the way that I would get immediately engaged the second I saw their names on the page. Nothing wrong with him, just my personal preferences, but he was truly funny and sweet and I quite liked that!

Ari... I do like her, in a way, I wanted to like her so bad, but she's trapped as the love interest in Anna's narrative, and given that I have no love for Anna's character or their pairing, it was hard for me to enjoy her appearances. She didn't have a chance to shine on her own, but when I think of all the ramifications of her story, I swoon a little. She could be so interesting.

#thank you for the ask!#this doesn't feel super coherent but since it's subjective bc it's about my faves that's probably fine #grace blackthorn #alastair carstairs #christopher lightwood #thomas lightwood #arati bridgestock #ari bridgestock #the last hours #tlh #the shadowhunter chronicles #tsc

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shrimpmandan · 3 years ago

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I’m getting to a point where I genuinely do not trust people who blindly defend Steven Universe Future’s portrayal of mental health, particularly PTSD, barring the fact that a person I knew who did so ended up being a raging ableist about PTSD triggers.

Outside of SU:F itself, a lot of the characters in the show with PTSD were just... raging assholes for no reason? And I think the only time they did this right was with Pearl. Pearl was deeply insecure, traumatized, and angry, and she ended up taking it out on Amethyst throughout season 1. For starters, the buildup to her and Amethyst actually fighting isn’t sprung about in a single episode (cough cough Lapis and Peridot, but I’ll get to them later), and Pearl actually apologizes! She comforts Amethyst and apologizes for hurting her, and begins to treat her better, and I really like that. It portrays how PTSD may induce behavioral issues without excusing those behavioral issues or refusing to acknowledge them.

And then the crewniverse completely fucking forgot this by season 2.

I love most of seasons 1-3 of SU but good god they did not handle Lapis well in season 2, at all. Lapis is similar to Pearl in some ways -- insecure, angry. Except Lapis doesn’t have anything where she apologizes and tries to do better. She just saves Peridot for a reason that... isn’t really explained. We don’t see her have some sort of realization about how Peridot is really trying and that maybe she should be a little nicer or something like that, she just. Does. And then they act like best buds after that. I think they end up having a cute dynamic and all, but the set up to it is extremely confusing and half-baked. You can’t even make the “oh it had to be rushed” argument like for season 5 and Future either, this was season 2.

You could make the argument that Lapis didn’t trust Peridot because of her time spent on the ship, which would be fair... if we actually saw how Peridot treated Lapis. Peridot was not the one threatening and manipulating Lapis. Jasper was. Alllll throughout Barn Mates, Peridot was doing nothing but trying to make Lapis feel welcome, and Lapis responded with nothing but scorn beyond a level that was reasonable. And Peridot gets no apology or explanation for this whatsoever.

Additionally, when it’s revealed that Lapis was also abusive/toxic in the Malachite fusion, there’s this very, very heavy bias towards her that doesn’t sit right with me. I’m not saying Jasper WASN’T abusive, she was, but it feels like Jasper wasn’t even given a chance to get better or to have possible healthier relationships expanded upon. Was it because she’s more butch than Lapis..? I dunno. It really doesn’t sit right with me, but I’ll avoid rambling about it for too long. TL;DR, Lapis just kinda did what Pearl did but worse. Moving on.

Steven. Good fucking christ on a pike Steven. Where to begin. I’m gonna preface this by saying that I have PTSD, and violent ideations, and anger issues, and all that. On some fronts, I can understand and relate to Steven. What I hate is how he was written. You seriously expect me to believe that the staunch pacifist and diplomat, would attempt to murder his father, White Diamond, and Jasper? The same Steven that tried to talk things out with genocidal dictators? THAT Steven? If the only reason you have is “oh he’s traumatized”, then that’s a fucking disgusting and ableist sentiment that is derived solely from mental health stigma. I GET having homicidal ideations. I GET having low impulse control. But when you set up a character as being nothing but compassionate and diplomatic throughout an entire 5 seasons and a movie, and then you suddenly have him become a murderer because “oh he’s mentally ill now”, you can see why that might rub some people the wrong way! People don’t just become murderers due to mental illness! It’s usually a combination of factors, such as environment and personality and social influence. If you think being mentally ill makes someone automatically become violent and dangerous, you are actively contributing to negative stigma about mental health. And the fact that Steven’s actual recovery is skipped over like it isn’t important is not helping.

Look, I know the show had to be rushed towards the end due to CN cancelling it, but there’s quite a line between “we couldn’t tie up all the loose ends”, and “let’s make our pacifistic protag out to be a literal fucking monster just because he’s mentally ill now!”

I know hating on SU is/was this ~edgy thing~ or whatever, but I genuinely loved the show throughout its main run even with all the writing flaws. But this awful portrayal of mental illness just makes me feel genuinely upset, especially with the amount of people defending it or otherwise acting like there’s absolutely no issues with how the show handles mental health at all.

#personal #steven universe critical #steven universe #steven universe future #side note unrelated to the PTSD:#they infantilized the fuck out of Peridot which is really gross when she's implied to be autistic #like she just gets reduced to haha funny comedy and her intelligence becomes nothing but a gimmick #it really upsets me because I related to her a lot and seeing her be flanderized and infantilized is just. mmm

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tobe-sogolden · 3 years ago

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I just want to share my personal experience as a reformed hater of this relationship 😂 Okay so when the wedding pictures came out, I had stopped being a larrie about 3 months before? I still kind of believed some parts of it, but I made the choice to step back because I realised it wasn’t healthy or normal to be so invested in H & L being together, always worrying about it, etc (lol). I was still friends with and followed larries. So of course it was kind of a shock to see Harry holding hands with Olivia 😭 I felt upset and jealous, and for the next couple of months I bitched with a friend privately every time we got new pictures. Now, she’s been in the fandom a lot longer than I have and so I felt valid in my reactions. But also deep down I didn’t want to be like that. Whenever she said something misogynistic about Olivia’s age or her having kids, or went as far as to make fun of Harry for cuddling with her in a shop, I felt disgusted and angry. But I didn’t call her out on it. I wanted them to break up too, oh but I didn’t want him to be sad. We both said the most stupid stuff like “he can do better” while being aware he can decide that himself. Anyway the thing is, I didn’t have an issue with Olivia specifically. I actually liked her and thought she seemed like a cool person. It was 100% about realising that I had no say in Harry’s life and never would. My friend used to make excuses about how it wasn’t even Olivia that annoyed her, it was the fandom’s reaction to finding them cute. Which??? Bullshit lmao. She always has said that “gf stans” and people who discuss things on their blog are just as harmful as haters. No they’re not. There are people out there who stalk and contact neighbours and invade privacy in order to prove Harry/Olivia and this isn’t something I think anyone who cares about them agrees with. That IS harmful behaviour. But those who simply are positive about her and call out others? There’s nothing wrong with that but obviously to her, god forbid anyone actually goes against the nastiness. She even said it was better when he was dating Camille because we hardly saw her and everyone hated her. Isn’t that lovely? It was surprisingly easy once I made the choice to accept that my feelings came from my own issues and I needed to work on that. This all came down to being a larrie and/or being dangerously attached to Harry to the point that seeing someone else close to him hurt me deeply, the realisation that I had no control over it and wasn’t part of it. This hurt manifests in being nasty and sexist to his new gf, and bitter and miserable about him at times as well. Now his friends that he’s had for years? They’re fine because they’re not as “intimate” with Harry, they’re not a threat, they don’t reflect us (those who identify as women) so there’s no jealousy. You don’t need to want Harry romantically or sexually for you to feel this!!! It’s about not being close to him and Olivia ruining projections you’re free to have when he’s by himself. I just wanted to say all this because those who are still horrible, like my ex friend, actively choose to be. Despite claiming to love Harry and that they don’t care about his girlfriend. They have a lot of internalised shit to work through. If you actually care to do it everything is so much nicer. I actually feel like I’m being true to myself (because I’m naturally a sensitive and compassionate person) as opposed to this nasty jealous obsessive fan. I get happy seeing Harry happy. I love Olivia!! I’m so glad I got past it a year ago. anybody can, it’s just harder the longer you leave it. I’m prepared for him to be engaged or married whenever that might happen, and a lot of people are not. Yikes!!!

Omg I loved this, thank you so much for sharing!!! I know it has to be hard to disentangle yourself from that conspiracy and the whole community involved with it but I'm so glad you did!! It's so interesting to get that insight into how your feelings about them progressed and hearing how you came to the realization that the issues you were having with their relationship came from your own issues and not anything to do with them.

I cannot even explain how much that false dichotomy annoys me. I hear that A LOT. Claiming that the people who support them are just as bad as the people who obsessively hate them?? Like are you hearing yourself???? Like you said, there's definitely some obsessive behavior on the "gf stan" side that I do not condone at all, but that's a veryyyyyy small number of people. I've only heard of two accounts doing that. There are dozens of accounts solely created for the purpose of trashing her & their relationship and they literally host some of the most vile, invasive discourse I've ever seen and straight up fabricate stuff out of thin air and spread it shamelessly. They harass her constantly and try to impact her projects and her credibility and spread lies about her family like it's all so disgusting.

And I've heard that from some people too! The whole "it was better with xyz because everyone hated her" or "i preferred xyz because she never spoke" like???? That's so fucked up 😭😭😭 his girlfriends don't exist to just shut up and look pretty like they are actual human beings with thoughts and opinions!

#ask #i literally love everything you said thank you so much!!!!!!#it's so good to hear from a perspective like yours!!!!!

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ramblingguy54 · 4 years ago

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“Everything’s changed, since you came here...Being around you makes me do stupid things and I wish it didn’t!”

This moment really surprised me in showing not just Amity Blight’s vulnerability, but especially Luz’s emotional sensitivity, too. Amity has a lot on her plate, in terms of baggage, from many regretful acts growing up underneath the abusive environment of her parents. However, that isn’t to say Luz isn’t without any kind of grief either, considering this kid is going through quite a lot currently, as well. Luz isn’t sure when she’ll see her mother again, felt seriously guilty at first about Eda’s curse overtaking her at Season 1′s end, and still doesn’t know how to exactly go about confessing the truth of her real whereabouts, which was the entire conflict of Grom Night’s plot surrounding Luz’s dramatic internal conflict. Luz’s greatest fear was her mother not understanding and being greatly hurt by her lying about summer camp, where she stayed in a more dangerous reality.

What seriously crushed me about this line of dialogue above from Amity is how she wishes Luz didn’t bring out this kind of inspiration to do super impulsive things from herself. This obviously isn’t so much a matter of Amity saying, “I hate you, Luz.”, rather I took it as Amity inflicting loathing sentiment upon her own self esteem. Amity has done a lot of things she’s not proud of whatsoever, which can definitely be seen through her treatment of Willow and how it was ripped to shreds by her parents demands for a great period of time, until Luz came along. Amity isn’t used to feeling so free to have a sense of self, let alone having some definition of happiness. Before Luz appeared, a good chunk of Amity’s life was ruled by manipulative, uncaring, and toxic parenting on how she should live. She was never allowed to have an actual carefree childhood, due to her being born a Blight getting saddled with unfairly high expectations of deemed “perfection”.

Luz is the complete polar opposite of how she has lived in contrast to Amity’s lifestyle. Luz wasn’t expected to become anything spectacular by any means necessary. Granted, her mother was gonna send her away to a summer camp as an attempt to try getting Luz’s more wackier nature under control, but to be fair it was also another way for her to try getting the kid to make actual friends. Regardless, my point is, Luz was able to live an all around normal life, whereas Amity had to immediately follow shallow standards set from the get go in a society full of unfair ideologies surrounding magical abilities. Amity meeting Luz, this kid who was so optimistic, endearing, and Hell bent on becoming a Witch, was such an alien concept to her, overall. Amity has been so used to living a life of obedience where, like her parents constantly beat into her mind, that a Blight must never show weakness to anyone on the Boiling Isles, so for awhile this was the mantra this kid followed at the expense of having genuine friends.

Every time Amity saw Luz in public it reminded her of the person she truly is buried underneath all the bullshit her parents threw onto her. A kid who simply wanted to become a Witch through hard work, determination, and have loving companionship, too. It’s why Amity was so terrified of Luz rejecting her in Grom Night because after everything that has happened she feels, “Do I deserve to be happy or loved? I’ve hurt people in the past and brutally cut off my best friend, Willow. Who would ever want to be with a person like me?”, which was plaguing her thinking throughout that entire day, until Luz helped pick her back up to take on the dark shape shifting blob of nightmares turned real.

“It’s okay I-I-I do stupid things around you too, Amity...”

There’s a lot of poetic truth to Luz’s statement here on her connection to Amity. After all, in Grom Night she willingly took on the ceremony upon herself in Amity’s place because she wanted to help her out that badly, despite having next to zero knowledge about how dangerous this tradition actually is in their world. Even after being filled in on the deadly details of how important it is to defeat the creature, Luz still didn’t waver in her determination to combat the nasty creature. Luz has unintentionally caused Amity so much trouble in the past, where she wanted to help with something very serious for a change because she knows there’s real compassionate kindness inside of her. Luz may have started to run away when her worst fears became manifested from the creature about her mother, but Amity rushing to help her out made them both inspired to defeat it together. It was the best way to explore their blossoming respect and love.

Luz did all that for Amity because she wanted to and not outta some obligation from an unfair code of Blight honor. Amity isn’t used to seeing someone go this far out of their way to help her this passionately, given she’s most likely accustomed to other peers at Hexside either fearing her, or outright being bitter about that ranking as a top student. Amity didn’t know what to make of Luz’s intentions for awhile in Season 1, due to this super self conscious behavior of conflicted inadequacy. She had a set path on her way to becoming a Witch suddenly interrupted by someone who reminded her of something Amity thought was out of reach, her happiness. While Amity felt so oddly happy about someone wanting to be there for her, it also tore the kid up inside emotionally because those regrets gnawed away at her. One could say Amity was “content” in living life of solitude away from those, like Willow, who actually care for her well being.

Luz, however, completely threw a wrench into those plans for Amity breaking her free of the mental shackles set by undermining parents. It drove Amity up a wall in the best and worst ways. On one hand, she’s deeply thankful for what Luz has helped her through in confronting bigger emotional issues, yet is still greatly confused on what it all means in the long run. Does she get a second shot at having real friends through her own decisions? Is she worthy of being loved? Is it not too late to change for the better at last? Can Amity live a life that isn’t ruled by her parents? Yes, of course she can. It just boggles Amity’s mind still that there’s someone who’s willing to go so far for her happiness this drudges up insecurities of guilt for past mistakes. Some part of Amity still thinks those moments define her, so to see Luz try to apologize wanting to make amends for the library incident in this episode’s story makes her feel, “Why are you apologizing to me? I’m not worth giving the time of day to, Luz.”. All of that gets undermined with an act of love by Luz to help get Amity her job back, by taking on deadly trials to accomplish this goal.

This moment between them carries so much layered weight.

#toh season 2 spoilers #toh spoilers #toh season 2 #through the looking glass ruins #the owl house #amity blight #luz noceda

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pleasantwizardphilosopher · 4 years ago

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Just you and me

So, I finally gathered the courage to write something and went for a SuperCorp fanfic, because clearly I am supercorp trash. I haven’t decided whether to post it in AO3 or not but if I do I’ll let you know. English is not my first language so if you get any mistakes or some parts lack cohesion please let me know and I’ll try to fix it. This fic goes by the idea that Kara is a very good scientist, she deserves that much, Lena’s background is canon-like. There are no dialogs, only feelings and senses, hope you like it.

*********

Finding yourself stuck in time is hard, at least that’s what most people would feel like under such circumstances, but not for Lena, not right now, where every single piece of “normalcy” her life had is just beginning to crumble, like a piece of sun-dried bread, or the way eggshells crack after someone steps on them, painfully, noisily, in a million pieces, most of all and beyond everything, they shatter unrecognizably and irreparably. Maybe the cold that such pain leaves behind is what led her to run, maybe it was the sudden fear and tiredness that was left in her, like cold steel in her bones, maybe it was the emptiness that started consuming every truth she thought she knew. It did not matter, she fled, running as fast as she could in those 7-inch Louboutins. She never looked back, not even after her flight landed in National City, not even after setting foot for the first time in her new penthouse in the middle of the city. She never regretted it, at first it was rough, sure, like every bumpy road is, yet, after the first glance she ever took at that blonde hair that day in the park, all doubts were erased off her mind.

*********

It was the end of August, the chilly air that announced a cold winter ahead blew her hair, ruffling it in her face; filling the streets, waking scattered orange and brown-ish leaves that had fallen from nearby trees, whistling on its way through the now almost-bare branches. The wind left behind the soft aroma of wet dirt, freshly baked bread and upcoming rain, heartwarmingly, filling her lungs easily with every breath, puffing visible clouds when exhaling. It was certainly nostalgic, the kind that makes you feel warm and cozy and at the same time makes your eyes prickle with unshed tears. Kara felt that pull, as usual, for everything good her life has had, and everything it had taken from her. She stood on the sidewalk, towards National’s City Central Park, glancing around her, taking in her surroundings when her gaze landed on a particular someone, dragged to her as if her eyes were mere pieces of steel and that woman were a huge neodymium magnet; She found herself staring at a sight she’ll always remember, because at that moment, when she first saw her, she felt a different kind of pull at her heart, the kind that screamed “caution!”, but in the good way, hopefully.

Long before she knew her name, what made her laugh, what made fer fidget with her fingers nervously, but above all, long before she had met that woman with dark long silky hair, forest-green eyes and pearly skin. Long before that gorgeous human being, with such power emanating from her, yet such caring, hopeful eyes, crossed her path, long before she made her feel like flying without actually leaving the ground, mostly, who she would grow to love, maybe, maybe she was fantasizing too much, who could blame her, it surely was a sight to remember.

*********

When the double doors slide open, she’s expecting a no-nonsense, powerful, cold-blooded, cocky-demeanor CEO, what she’s definitely not expecting is for such CEO to be almost precisely all that shaped and carefully placed in a stunning, raven-haired woman, whose green eyes could pierce through your soul and would probably make you spill your darkest and deepest secrets, those that also hide so much fear, making her want to walk over there and pour all her support into a hug. Kara swallows. Nevertheless, there is also something else to this woman’s aura, her posture is perfect, clearly carved into her from a very young age, and her smile is polite but stiff, almost practiced, and still, Kara can feel kindness emanating from her, true deep kindness and care. Something brings her to the present again, her breath hitches, those beautiful eyes are staring intently into hers with curiosity and a hint of amusement. The woman in front of her has managed to steal her breath twice now, which is not something she, the founder and co-owner of a start-up company. Harvard graduate and Kryptonian, finds happening often, she has faced great threats, from grumpy bankers to out-of-space threats as Supergirl, yet, Lena Luthor has managed to make her heartbeat go erratic with a simple gaze.

The soft scent of an expensive perfume fills the office, something akin cinnamon, vanilla and a little scotch (?). It is dizzying and a little distracting. She somehow manages to go through her proposal for the CEO without stumbling too much and, fortunately, without rambling. Lena seems fascinated by the proposal and agrees to the terms without major modifications to the contract. After both signing, they shake hands, and maybe, just maybe, they linger a little more than needed, both enraptured by the softness of the other’s hand. Lena pulls away first, fingers tingling, feeling the tips of her fingers warm and a lingering scent of something floral, it is electrifying, like a low current cursing through her veins, making her get goosebumps all over her arms, but she doesn’t mind, as her attention is captured by those ocean blue eyes that seemingly hold the weight of the world. She certainly is nowhere close to getting tired of them.

*********

When they signed this partnership, they did not expect it to turn this way, at least Kara didn't, or so she muses while sitting on the ledge of her rooftop. She truly just meant to get funding and maybe get to work a little up-close with the brilliant, certified genius of a woman. Sure, she is gorgeous and incredibly sharp-minded, as proven by so many magazines’ articles having bothered to analyze both qualities deeply and thoroughly; but after that first sight of her, with such strength and determination to her pose, with each powerful step, with every sway of her hips, albeit hiding so much hurt, sadness, and a great burden, brought to her by her last name; a burden that Kara has somehow come know so well, such need to be understood, because, the truth was, that no one had ever lived through loss the way they did. One lost her world, her culture and way of life, but found love and compassion, whereas Lena was denied both from a very short age, living a life without love, compassion, and affection, in a household where the outside cold wouldn’t enter, as the inside was icier.

The cold nighty wind startles her, it brings to her mind memories of bight smiles, so hard that certain dimples showed, laughs so hard that some wine would be spat on a very white leader couch, sunny days filled with an assortment of foods and a wonderful voice, filling every corner of the room with its melody and a slight accent, becoming more evident when emotion takes a rightful place in her voice, one that comes from a very pale yet very compassionate woman. She has to tell her, it's been just over a year since they first met, but she knows it is time, with them growing closer, she has to tell her she is Supergirl. And yeah, she definitely did NOT expect things to turn this way. (Maybe she kinda did).

**********

When she asked Kara if she understood the quantum mechanics behind the surface plasmon resonance their platinum nanoparticles showed, she wanted to be shaken, mad even, because why wouldn't she, the to-be youngest member of the Science Guild on Krypton? Of course, they didn't have the same metals as they did on Earth, but they understood the physics behind the phenomena. Okay, Lena did do not know her identity, yet, hopefully, but she did have a Bachelor in Mechatronic Engineering and a Master Degree in Advanced Materials, she definitely may have crossed paths with the concept. But hell, how can she be mad when those bright, summer-trees green eyes look at her with such glint of excitement, with a twinkling sparkle or curiosity? Those eyes that were looking at her with a look you give someone you know gets you, beyond understanding your words, those who truly get a grasp of your language, of who you are, what makes you shake with the excitement of a new discovery, a greater challenge. It was then that Kara knew that she could read Lena the way no one had ever done for her, she could grasp what she needed in every moment, what she was thinking, but she also got her sciency stuff, the theoretical jargon, upcoming theories, the physics behind phenomena and she shared her love for technology that could make humans' lives better, longer, healthier. They shared, compassion, vision, passion and... Kara was now almost certain, love.

At least she thinks so, what else could those stolen glances be? She looks up, just to find those forest-green eyes glinting with determination and concentration while those agile slender fingers handle tools and twinkle their way around the solar panel’s circuitry. She is so enraptured by her skills that she mistakenly adds way too much platinum sulfide to the solution, turning it suddenly black and bringing her out of her stupor as the contents boil, violently spilling all over the place, filling the air with a slight scent of iron, evaporated water and burnt plastic. Green eyes break contact with the panel to look towards where strong hands work frantically to turn off the hot plate she was working on, dropping her tools she reaches a hand to help Kara, concerned green eyes looking for any kind of burn injury or spill that may need to be taken care of. After making sure everything is (mostly) okay and that it was just a failed reaction, Kara is suddenly aware of a soft hand pulling her away from the table, vanilla and cinnamon fill the air around her, like a soft embrace, that turns real when Lena pulls her into her arms, a soft bubble surrounding Kara, making her a little giddy and peaceful at the same time. Flowers, fresh-cut flowers is what Lena smells, while she hugs Kara tightly, it is normal to get worried for your best friend after a lab incident, no matter how small, she tells herself, and while it maybe is, it is definitely not normal the way her heart felt like stopping the moment she saw the hot contents of the Erlenmeyer flask spill all over the place, fearing for Kara, feeling it creep up her spine and settle like cold ice on her stomach and lungs, making it hard to breathe.

When strong arms surround her and pull her in tighter, she realizes she has started shaking and hyperventilating, embarrassed she hides her face in the crook of Kara’s neck, and everything fades outside this moment. It is just them, vanilla, and flowers, Kara murmuring sweet nothings into Lena’s ear, hearing her heartbeat even out, and her breathing become normal; and Lena trusting that this person, whose arms seem to be able to lift a bus, whose laugh makes her heart warm and fuzzy, whose smile lights her world and makes her feel safe, cared for and understood; will never let her fall. And perhaps she is right.

**********

Yup, it is definitely love. What else could it be? That snowy January, between hot cocoa and soft muffins, she knew. She is hovering outside her lab, on the outskirts of town, where it was less likely that someone caught her both personas; peeking through the windows, she sees her, Lena is coding the interface that would allow them to take the most efficiency and durability out of the technology they had designed, the mechanical and chemical part was almost done already. She is typing, eyes narrowed in concentration behind thick rimmed glasses, the tip of her tongue poking from a corner of her mouth. And Kara knows, she wants to caress those hands when they were trembling from the winter cold, but also kiss them after a long day working with her computer, she wants to rub her feet after a day filled with meetings and kiss her every time her brilliant mind comes up with a solution for an impossible problem. But above all that, she wants to hold her and whisper into her ear comforting and loving words when she has a nightmare regarding Lex, she knows it’s a common occurrence. She wants to see her crumble knowing that Kara would always hold her and support her, kissing her lovingly every time her insecurities get the best of her. She wants her to feel safe, protected and loved in a way she always deserved but never got.

She sighs, this is it and she knows it, there is not moving forward without coming clean about Supergirl, because, staring at Lena, she knows there is no going back either, looking the way her agile fingers dance around the keyboard as if she were writing a letter to a friend instead of a state-of-the-art software to power and control their recently developed solar panels. She thinks of how beautiful of a soul Lena is, she has such a big heart, she has a huge weight on her shoulders for being a Luthor, a burden which Kara would love to lift from her since it is not hers to carry, it shouldn’t be. Furthermore, she cares so much for the world and the people in it, even for the ones that are not human, unlike her family she is truly kind and compassionate.

Here goes nothing. Kara flies through the lab floor-to-ceiling windows towards the desk where Lena is working, placing beside her the paper bag containing hot cocoa and muffins for her. Due to the cold, the soft warm homey smell soon starts filling the room. Lena looks up smiling, expecting to find Kara behind the treats, but instead, bright green eyes lock with glassy baby blue eyes, trembling lips and fingers fidgeting. Lena stands. She is instantly shaking, whatever it is that could possibly turn the unyielding hero into a crying mess must be of great concern. She steadies herself by grabbing the edge of the table to keep her knees from buckling, knuckles turn white. Green never leaves blue. And just when she is about to ask the hero what brings her here, a strong hand comes to the small of her back to steady her and keep her upright. She has never been this close to Supergirl and at that moment when every sound seems to shut and the air stills, she knows.

She knows why those sky-blue eyes always inspired her such calm and confidence, why she always felt safe in those arms that could bend steel as butter. Because in that moment, when the warmth emanating from that hand starts filtering through her clothes, warming her, her senses are also filled with a smell of flowers, mixed with chocolate and bread, and a hint of mint; when a single tear escapes those ocean blue eyes, she crumbles. She crumbles under that gaze filled with pain and sorrow, filled with such regret that she could feel it creeping through herself, nestling in every corner of her body, making her feel slump and heavy. She also sees intelligence, compassion and strength, qualities she has come to be very familiar with under a blue setting. And so, she grabs the hero’s suit in her fist and buries her face in her chest, a single heart-wreaking cry filling the air. Kara shatters then, knowing how much pain this is causing to a soul that has been betrayed over and over again, who has been abused and pushed to her limits. She knows she is picking an open wound with a stick, and she hates herself for it, for using the same trust Lena gave her against her. They slide to the floor, never letting go of each other, tears falling freely through both their cheeks. Lena breaks into heartbreaking sobs and Kara holds her tighter, as if trying to keep her from falling into pieces, from breaking apart, rocking them both back and forth softly. Lena just cries, screaming from time to time, gripping the fabric so tightly that if it were regular fabric, it would be tearing down by now, but it isn’t, just as the woman holding her, the woman she most certainly is NOT in love with, is not a regular human. They stay there, holding onto each other, never breaking eye contact, the hot cocoa and muffins long forgotten.

**********

She really isn’t mad. She isn’t. So maybe she has been slightly avoiding Kara, but she isn’t mad. Despite her first-instance outburst of emotions, she realized she really isn’t angry at Kara from keeping the Supergirl thing a secret from her, yes, she was deeply hurt and upset but she understands the reasoning behind it, albeit she wishes Kara had told her earlier in their relationship it also makes perfect sense for her to hide it until making sure their relationship was well-founded and strong.

She is quite lost though, there is a small hint of emptiness inside her chest from that day which smelled like chocolate and bread, at first Lena thought she might actually and finally be broken, her heart having taken so many hits already. But the pain eventually faded, and that emptiness never left, on the contrary, it became more present, so much that she was now almost used to it. Like a lingering rock in the bottom of her stomach, or a ball of cotton in her throat, constant, bearable but persistent. And now, as the snow starts melting outside her office she wonders why. She knows why though; she just likes to pretend like she can fool herself.

The morning sun is hitting her office’s windows, warmer than it has been for the past few months and as the first drops of melted snow start to fall from the rooftop to her balcony, the pretense falls to pieces, and she falls along with it. She fumbles with her balcony door and stumbles outside, not even bothering to grab her coat, as soon as she steps outside, she is hit with cold, humid air and slippery floors. Taking huge gasps of cold air to fill lungs that seemingly do not want to be filled.

Maybe this is all she needed, standing on her balcony and glancing at the city, the morning sun casting a bright yellow light over her face, warming her skin softly, while her side in the shadows gets colder every passing second. It is enough, hot and cold, day and night, light and darkness, she always wondered to which side of the scale she tipped the most, she used to believe she was all shadows, a Luthor, and Kara was light, all goodness, she smiles at the irony, a Super. However, while she is taking in the city, calm and almost quiet since it is so early, bright light hitting the buildings and cold, contrasting shadows hiding smaller streets, cars, and people, she gets it. Kara was never all light, and will never be, she has on her shoulders an unbearable pain that will never go away and with her powers come hard choices that no one should ever have to make. And she, she is not darkness, she is both, and she can choose which side to feed, and she wants to choose light, just not any light, one that is personified by blonde hair and ocean-deep blue eyes that she could, and does, get lost into. Maybe, she can bring a certain light to Kara as well, maybe they both deserve it, they deserve each other. Letting out a breath she didn’t know she was holding she turned on her heels towards her office and out of it, directly to a certain warehouse on the outskirts of town. The balcony door left open, melted snow glowing gold from the morning sun, dripping into Lena’s office.

**********

Disappointment is that what she feels, no, sadness, for sure, she knew things could go sideways with the whole reveal show and yet, the clench in her heart won’t go away easily, and she knows she absolutely has no right to feel that way, she made that choice, just as she has made every other choice before it. She is tempering with her suit, waiting for her cell culture to finish growing so she can properly test their absorption properties. Soft pop music plays in the background, filling the warehouse with soft notes with a cheesy vibe, the mid-morning sun streams from the windows, lighting the space with an orange-ish golden glow. She finishes her upgrades with a tired huff, never one to hate working on something she surprises herself with such reaction. Groaning with frustration that has nothing to do with her projects and a lot to do with a certain pale powerful, wonderful, CEO.

She walks towards the windows, letting herself bask in the mid-morning light, feeling her powers recharge and her body start buzzing with energy. She clenches her fists, as the warmth caress of the sun on her skin makes her heart ache, missing another entirely different kind of warmth. She leans against a wall and lets her body slide to the ground, bringing her knees to her chest, she closes her eyes, letting herself get lost in the feeling of the sun kissing her skin, softly, almost hesitantly, she can almost picture a certain brunette, softly stroking her cheek, a sweet lovingly caress. A single tear rolls down her cheek from her closed eyes, knowing that such caresses may never be from her, a faith written by her own hand, resulting from her choices, as hard as it is. Letting her straining superhearing and expanding its reach she hears the hustle and bustle from downtown a few kilometers away, she hears the honks of the cars and the heavy panting from people running late for their work, such mundane thing that she may never truly get to live and experience. As her hearing expands, she finds herself focusing in a very well-known heartbeat, one she can distinguish above the sea of heartbeats that flood the city; it is beating absurdly fast, and her first reaction is to focus on her surroundings to find out whether she is in danger or not.

She hears heavy puffs of air, heels clicking steadily and determinately on the pavement, closer with every step, and is she running? Her breath hitches when realization dawns on her, she IS running, towards her. While her mind screams for her to move, to do something, her body is frozen, unresponsive, breath caught in her throat, she absolutely does not understand what is happening and doesn’t know what to expect from the woman that is now reaching her. Before she can dwell on it further, a feminine soft hand with slender cold fingers is touching her knee softly. She is panting from the effort, her breath smells like back coffee and mint, hitting Kara’s face warmly, making her head spin; a slight scent of grounded coffee beams mixed with Lena’s favorite scotch emanates from her clothes, she smells strangely like home; her red lipstick matching her flushed cheeks from running, and Kara cannot help but let her jaw fall open in awe at the sight.

She grabs Lena’s wrists softly and stands up bringing her along. Kara finally gathers her courage and looks at her eyes. She feels like sinking under her gaze, not out of fear, it’s nothing but love and warmth what she sees in those jade-green eyes, feelings she doesn’t feel worthy of, specially not when coming from the Irish goddess. Just when she’s about to close her eyes again, uncapable of keeping her gaze, Lena hooks a finger under her chin and makes her raise her eyes up to hers again. Insecure, scared-like blue puppy eyes find soft-looking bright emerald eyes. It’s understanding what she sees now in those deep green eyes, the same ones that seem capable of reading her like an open book. She lets out a sob, and Lena lets go of her chin, going to grab her hand, bringing it to her lips and kissing her palm tenderly.

The breeze brings to Kara’s nose the scent of Lena’s shampoo, smells like rainy days and autumn leaves, and, as usual, no words are needed when Kara moves her hand from Lena’s lips to cup her cheeks, bringing her other hand up. And, what else can she do other than lean forward? So, she does, she leans forward and kisses her forehead, its soft, tender, like a butterflies’ kiss, just barely brushing her skin, trying to convey her love for her beautiful Genius™ mind, for her brilliance, stubbornness and compassionate selfless soul. She then brushes her lips softly on both her eyelids, trying to convey all the love and regret she feels regarding the way she did Supergirl secret-related things. She parts slowly and watches as Lena opens her eyes fluttering open slowly, bringing her hands up to grab the wrists of the Kara’s hands that are still cupping her face, thumbs softly stroking the inside of the kryptonian’s wrists, she lets out a shaky breath, blue eyes looking at her so lovingly tenderly, with such determination and strength, unyielding as sapphires, she feels no questioning in her heart, this is where she is meant to be, she turns into a mushy puddle and lets herself be drawn into the Girl of Steel.

Kara leans forward and kisses her nose, giggling quietly, Lena simply melts into it feeling a soft warm breath that smells like chocolate and honey, suddenly, the emptiness in her chest melts like ice cream on a hot summer day, leaving nothing but love and warmth, like the one from a fireplace on Christmas Eve. She lets out a shuddering breath, relieved. They lock eyes again, and finally all those unspoken questions find an answer. They lean forward at the same time, their lips meeting in the middle, fitting perfectly against each other. It is warm, tender, loving, and everything it should be, the way every cheesy romantic comedy says it’s like. They pour all their love into that moment, lips moving against each other, chocolate-honey and black coffee.

When they finally part, it’s like breathing for the first time, lungs grasping for oxygen, freshly cut grass, concrete and sun-provided warmth, and it is perfect. Like taking a breath after holding it underwater for a long time, except you never truly knew what breathing was like, until that life-altering breath. They breathe in sync, foreheads touching, Kara’s hands go down to wrap around Lena’s waist, pulling her closer, Lena rests her head softly on Kara’s chest, nuzzling into her neck and closing her eyes, letting herself fall into that fierce love, like an all-consuming fire, she’s been too afraid to open herself to, to be vulnerable. They stay there, enjoying each other’s embrace, the hustle and bustle of the city blind to a beautifully blooming love.

**********

Kara is very clumsy, it does help her keep up her façade, albeit it is also a personal trait of hers. And right now, as she trips on nothing, while standing nonetheless, she makes it extremely evident. Forest green eyes look at her amused from the other side of the door. How does Lena expect Kara not to fall face first to the ground when she is dressed looking like THAT. Wearing a deep red drees that falls softly just below her knees, strapless, leaving her back and cleavage on display, her hair up in a neat bun and her signature 7-inch black heels, Kara definitely stopped breathing, not that she needs to anyway. She stands up awkwardly, taking the dust off her khaki pants and dark blue blazer. Lena cannot hide a smirk after pulling such reaction from no other than Supergirl.

The CEO pulls Kara into her apartment, it smells like vanilla and apples, probably resulting from the many scented candles that Lena likes to light around her apartment. The only light comes from said candles and several Christmas-like light strings that are hanging from the ceiling, giving the place a warm cozy glow. Kara smiles lazily as she leans down to kiss Lena, catching a glimpse of bright emerald eyes melting glimmery before falling shut. She smiles into the kiss. She pulls apart slightly and kisses the tip of Lena’s nose, the raven-haired woman lets out a soft chuckle. Kara grabs her hand, intertwining their fingers, and leads her to the door. Today it’s dinner date day, they are celebrating the successful launch of their joint solar panels project, the best performance ever achieved thanks to a certain Kryptonian’s platinum oxide nanoparticles; and 10 months of full-on dating. As Kara closes the door of Lena’s apartment behind them, the warm smell of the candles fills the hallway and follows them into the elevator, a fluffy plush blanket, a protective mantle surrounding them.

**********

drip…drip… the constant crash of raindrops against the windows surrounding them, rain pouring heavily around them, drowning the usually loud noises of the city’s rush hour, washing away the strong smell of smog. They are tucked under a bus station stop, at least Lena is, Kara is already dripping, since she stubbornly stood outside the small protection the roof offers so Lena and other humas could take cover, she doesn’t get sick anyway. Lena is shivering, although it has been a remarkably hot summer, today was quite a cloudy day and it rained for the most part, resulting in a temperature drop of several degrees. The brunette leans into Kara seeking for her abnormally high body temperature to warm herself up, but the Girl of Steel has other plans, since she cannot fly Lena to their apartment, she might as well take the best out of the situation.

Just as Lena is dropping her full body weight into her, she slides away, pulling Lena’s hand with her, directly into the downpour. Lena gasps when the first heavy drops of the cold water hit her, feeling her clothes get soaked almost instantly, she feels the raindrops roll down her skin and further dampening her clothes, the smell of the rain fully hits her now and when she lifts her eyes from where they were looking at the floor not to trip, she sees Kara smiling her signature megawatt smile at her, completely soaked and intertwining their fingers playfully, so Lena smiles, smiles so hard her dimples show. She lets herself be dragged by Kara, running under the rain, feeling the cold sweeping into her bones, and feeling more whole and filled with happiness than she has in a very long time, if ever.

Kara jumps over a puddle with all the grace of a gazelle, letting go of the CEO’s hand, such displays of her true nature still wonder Lena, just when she is about to make the jump herself, Kara stops and abruptly turns towards her. The world stops. Or maybe she is the one that freezes, the only thing she can hear is the rain pouring heavily around them, and her heart beating erratically in her chest, ringing in her ears, the smell of rain mixes with Kara’s floral perfume, she is getting closer now. The brunette starts shaking, and it has nothing to do with the cold water still running down her body. Kara stands in front of her, soaking wet, dirt all over her jeans from playing in the rain, her hair falls in wet dirty blonde strands around her face, her eyes as baby blue as always are dim because of the raindrops that coat her glasses, and in her soaking hands she’s holding an astonishingly made silver ring, two intertwined silver strings hold one small bright emerald in the middle, the inside of one of the string, in almost unreadably tiny letters reads “You are my hero”. The simplicity of the stone in contrast with the intricate design of the ring.

Lena forgets how to breathe, but Kara understands, so she just waits there, with the most loving smile ever seen stamped on her face. When Lena’s out of body experience ends, she simply nods enthusiastically. And so, the world starts spinning again, the honks of the cars return, engines roaring and muffled conversations, all muted by the rain, washing over them as reality sinks in, they are choosing each other, even when the world has tried to pull them apart repeatedly, furthermore, against each other, for them, none of it matters, just them, here and now, kissing for the first time in hopefully many years to come. Lena lets her hands drape loosely around Kara’s neck, feeling the grounding weight of the ring on her left ring finger, hot against her cold skin, the same way Kara’s hands, which hold her together.

#supergirl #supercorp #fanfic #karlena #kryptonian #i wrote this on a whim #please give me feedback #this is my first fic #be kind

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citrus-lady · 5 years ago

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Agni Headcanons That No One Asked For But Everyone Will Get Because This Man Needs More Love.

As usual 18+ with nsfw elements. Minors cover your pure eyes. No one asked for this but I just love this man so much I would risk it all for him.

Agni is so loyal and respectful and would rather claw his own eyes out than hurt/ upset or disrespect his s/o in any way.

Agni is the definition of devoted, caring, and passionate. All he wants to do is take care of his s/o and make them as happy as they make him.

He is a gentleman and proves that chivalry is not dead. He opens doors for you, helps you downstairs and out of carriages, carries you when your feet are tired. Part of this is because he spends so much time in butler mode it can be hard to come out of it sometimes but he also does it because he believes that is genuinely how you treat your s/o.

Agni is protective. Not in an overbearing sense or like he doesn’t believe that you can take care of yourself, but more like “ If you’re doing this dangerous thing then I will be with you the entire way”. If you work early in the morning or late at night he will walk you to and from work. If you are cooking and need something cut or something from the tall shelf he’ll help you. That sort of thing.

If you’re being attacked you can be damn sure that he is not going to stand by and let you be hurt. This man would literally die protecting you.

This protectiveness also extends to when you’re sick. As we see in Book of Circus both Agni and Soma take physical health very seriously and believe you should take care of/pamper those you care about when they fall ill. So you can expect curry and soup in bed, massages, couple baths, cuddling, and he’ll even tell you stories/ read to you in bed.

This man loves taking baths together. Not in a sexy way though. Don’t get me wrong, he finds you gorgeous, but in his mind bath time is a time to relax and be intimate. He likes to wash your hair and body and likes it when you do the same. He feels truly at peace when you are just relaxing between his legs with your back against his chest, just soaking in the warm water. That being said, if you did want to get a little frisky in the tub he wouldn’t be opposed.

This protectiveness would only double if you were to become pregnant with his child. BTW he would literally cry if he found out you were carying his child.

Soma absolutely adores you as well. Not only do you make Agni happy but he sees you in a motherly/sisterly way as well. I feel like in order for Agni to love someone Soma would also have to like them.

Soma knows that quality time is important in a relationship. After all, he and Agni spend every day together and look at how strong their relationship is. Because of this Soma tries to give Agni more time off to be with you. Soma might even invite you to work for him as a maid or tutor or something so that you and Agni can spend more time together. This also gives you a reason to move into Ciel’s townhouse with them and takes some of the workload off of Agni. If they were to go back to India then you bet your sweet ass you are going too.

Since Agni is one of Sebastian’s few ‘friends’ Sebastian is very happy that you make Agni happy. Sebastian respects you not only for who you are but because he respects Agni and obviously there is something special about you if you were able to capture his heart.

Ciel also respects you and is happy for Agni but less so than Sebastian. Ciel is just glad that Soma has someone else to pester now.

Agni would cook and clean for you gladly and he is an amazing cook, even up there with Sebastian. He would be really happy if you asked him to make curry for you, especially if you liked it a lot. Agni would also want to learn how to make dishes from your culture.

Agni learned how to dance for you. When you, Soma, and he were invited to one of the Phantomhive’s balls he asked Sebastian to teach him so that he could dance with you. He had noticed at prior parties how much you had wanted to dance and wanted to learn for you. It was actually really cute and funny because he had to use Mey-rin as a stand-in for you. At first, he was reluctant to do so because you’re his one and only of course, but Sebastian convinced him that A) a dance doesn’t really count as cheating and B) this was the only way he could learn as everyone else in the mansion was male ( I’m sorry if your a reader who identifies as male! Just ignore that part if you are). Later that night he surprised you by asking you to dance and proceeding to waltz you around the room!

Lizzie thinks you are a really cute couple and beforehand she was helping you get ready in a guest room. She positively squealed when she saw you two dancing and then proceeded to try and convince Ciel to dance with her, which he reluctantly did.

If you wanted to dance with Soma, Sebastian, or anyone else that he knows and trusts he would be fine with that but he would not like it if you danced with anyone he didn’t know. He doesn’t trust the person’s intentions. In his mind, almost everyone is after you because he just thinks you’re so great and anyone who doesn’t also think so must be a fool.

This man is a giver, not only in bed but in life too. His main goal in life is to take care of those he cares about and make them happy. He is so loyal and supportive. Honestly would be a great dad. I think as a dad he would be protective without being super strict. Also, he does not believe in spanking his children.

Like I said before, this man is a giver in bed. In his mind, your pleasure comes first and foremost and his pleasure is derived from yours.

He’s going to worship your body and he absolutely dies inside when you return even a fraction of the favor. His natural pace is a slower, deeper, gentler pace but honestly, he’s going to do whatever his partner wants. This man is just so passionate. Not to mention how strong he is and how much stamina he has. He will go as long as you want and as many times as you want. I would sell my soul to Sebastian to see this man in the nude.

This man will give you oral. He will literally spend so long doing it too. You’re going to have at least one orgasm before he even gets to the main course. The king of soft and loving caresses. Caresses your thighs, legs, shoulders, ( breasts if you have them). He also likes kissing your lips and neck while doing the deed.

Is so romantic. Will plan things like romantic picnics and dinners and will set the mood with flower petals and scented candles/incense. He just wants you to know how much he loves you.

Will also do small, casual dates as well. Cooking dates, grocery shopping dates, strolls through the garden, or around town.

I picture him with a kind and compassionate someone. I think his s/o is more down to earth and chill. I can’t really see him with someone particularly childish or hyperactive. I think he gets enough of that from Soma and although he cares deeply for Soma, it can be a bit draining at the end of the day. Plus if his s/o was closer to Soma’s age he might feel a little weird about the age difference. ( Agni is 31 and Soma is 17). Not to say that his s/o isn’t energetic or that he wouldn’t date a younger s/o, but I feel like they are more mature behavior-wise.

Agni would also be really great at handling an s/o with mental health issues or that has a traumatic past/ has been through something traumatic. His patience and understanding mixed with his compassion, caring, loyalty and love would make him an excellent listener and healer.

This man smells like spices and Indian tea. He would also let you braid his long section of hair. This man also radiates heat like a furnace.

#agni black butler #agni x reader #black butler #black butler headcanon #black butler headcanons #agni headcanons #kuroshitsuji #kuroshitsuji headcanons #agni x reader headcanons #black butler x reader #black butler x reader headcanons

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treksickfic · 4 years ago

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The City on the Edge of Forever

I’m so excited to share this with you, anonymous requester! After you sent in your prompt, I had another anonymous reader get in touch with me to let me know they’d already written a story that matched your wishes exactly.

The author of this story is French, not a native English speaker, and they’ve written a beautifully touching story that expands on the TOS episode, City on the Edge of Forever. I am posting it here on my blog, with their permission, because they do not wish to have an account nor have their identity attached to the story. This writer has already become dear to me and I’m honored that they trusted me with their writing. I hope you enjoy it!

It’s a long story, nearly 3,000 words, so RIP to your dash if you’re on mobile. I didn’t want to post it on AO3 or anywhere else except my blog, which feels safer.

Trigger warning for panic attack and trigger warning for some mild emeto, if you’re sensitive to that. It’s not very graphic.

“James Kirk, I demand an explanation!”

Scotty, Uhura, the teleportation technicians, and the security guards were completely dumbfounded by the doctor's explosion. They watched the captain stagger off, livid, as if he had been punched in the stomach. He disappeared without a word, with long stiff steps, from the room.

“Jim!” yelled McCoy.

“Not now, doctor.” Spock's cold, dry voice stopped him.

Spock squeezed McCoy’s arm firmly and Scott was sure to read in his black eyes a burst of fury. McCoy noticed it too, because despite the storm of his own eyes, he remained silent.

“Everyone, at your posts,” declared the Vulcan. “Scott, you are in charge for now.”

“Yes, sir.” Scotty nodded, refraining from asking any questions.

As soon as they had come through the Time Gate, seconds after they left, it seemed, but many weeks later for them, he had seen that they were not fine at all. The captain was pale, deaf to their questions, obviously struggling with the tears that filled his eyes. The doctor was just as white, his face contracted with a terrible anger. As for Spock, he kept his eyes fixed on Jim, his usual indifference altered by deep and obvious concern.

What the hell had happened?

This is precisely the question McCoy yelled at Spock, pulling himself brutally out of his grip as they entered his office, safe from prying ears:

“Damn it, Spock!”

“If you calm down, doctor, maybe I could explain.”

“Calm down? CALM DOWN? Shit, Spock! How do you want me to calm down?”

“Breathing. Deep, and slowly. Start by sitting down.”

“Don't fuck with me!”

“The Vulcans don't fuck with people. Now, please calm down.”

Jim killed someone without thought. There's no way I can calm down. Shit!”

Spock gritted his teeth and an aura of icy disappointment emanated from him:

“Jim killed someone without thought...do you get along, doctor? You've been aboard this ship for over a year. You even pretend to be the captain's friend. How can you accuse him of this without thinking for two seconds?”

“I saw it ! He prevented me from—"

“--and your poor little mind preferred to give in to this abject emotion rather than try to find a logical explanation. Jim, the most compassionate man we know…would he have acted like this for no reason?”

These words had the effect of a cold shower on McCoy. He shook his head, gradually coming to himself. He hadn't actually thought for a single moment, mired in a nauseating fury that he hadn't even tried to control. Shame replaced anger and he sagged in his seat and closed his eyes for a moment.

The past few weeks had been a total blur. He had woken up in a room with antique furniture, with an adorable woman at his bedside: Edith Keeler. It had taken him some time to realize that she was neither a hallucination nor a very good actress, but that he was indeed in a different era. Back in the 1930s. And he had barely had time to figure it out and come out of the bedroom to find answers before Jim and Spock, overjoyed, fell on him.

The next second Edith was dead. And it was Kirk's fault., He had kept him from coming to her aid. It had been too much emotion, too quickly and too soon. He had not managed to digest it, even less to understand anything other than what he had seen:

Jim had killed Edith.

But now that Spock had brought him back to reality, it all seemed absurd. And he noticed certain details: His friend's trembling when he held him; the tears in his green eyes when he leaned against the wall; Spock's unusually soft words when he had defended Jim, "he knows doctor, he knows."

How could he have seen nothing? Holding back a moan, he confronted Spock's stern face again:

“Explain it to me.”

“I'll do it quickly. In the timeline of our current story, Edith Keeler dies in 1930. In the one you walked through, paranoid after the cordrazine syringe accident, her ideals of peace and openness reach Roosevelt's ears and America becomes a peaceful country. That prevents its involvement in the second world war. Germany wins and dominates the world. Our time, therefore, does not exist.”

“Oh.”

“By the time you got there, after roughly locating your destination, we got to know Edith. A very charming woman, particularly intelligent.”

“And, Jim—"

“Was deeply in love with her. But for the good of a whole world and not solely himself, he let her die and prevented you from committing irreparable damage.”

“My god.”

McCoy put his head in his hands, overcome with excruciating guilt. Spock watched him, suppressing the harsh words that itched on his lips. The man had realized his mistake. It was useless to add more in the current state. He sighed for a long time, feeling unpleasantly empathetic towards Jim. He admired the way the man had managed to silence all of his instincts to save everyone:

“You should go see him, doctor. I think leaving him alone right now is not the best solution. Especially since he slept and ate very little while we were on earth, and even less after he realized that Edith had to die. He was ill several times during the night. He needs help.”

“Perhaps it is better ... Chapel—”

“No, Leonard,” Spock said, as kindly as he could. “He needs you.”

McCoy let out a deep sigh. He felt silly, and unforgivable. But for the sake of his friend, and indirectly, the sake of the crew, he knew Spock was right. Grabbing his medical equipment, he left in the direction of the captain's quarters.

*****

Jim rested his forehead against the cool edge of the toilet. The doctor's words were circling in his mind, adding further weight to his overwhelming grief. He felt sick, his stomach as tight as his chest. A discomfort that had become familiar over the past few days. The intense nausea that rolled and rolled, threatening at every moment to overflow was a most unpleasant physical manifestation of his stress.

Despite his efforts to conserve food that was already scarce in their daily life in 1930, there were times when he couldn't do anything about it. Nightmares woke him in an agonizing sweat, on the verge of ruining the atrocious coarse cover of their flop.

He managed each time to sneak into the bathroom before returning the meager pittance with spasms he tried to silence. He also appreciated the discretion of Spock, who had the delicacy of pretending to sleep when Jim returned to his bed several minutes later, breathless and exhausted. But now that he was alone, aboard the Enterprise, he had no reason to contain himself, and did not fight the gagging that came out violently, like revenge for being held back so long. His stomach, however empty, kept revolting, replacing his sobs with endless contractions.

He had barely activated the door to his quarters when they had started, and he had yielded to the spasms with some relief. As unpleasant as vomiting was, his whole body tense and sore as he curled up over the toilet, at least it kept him from thinking about it. Being sick kept his mind on constant alert, focusing his attention on the spasms, gasps, bile, burning and kept the fear away. Unbearable, interminable, but ... secondary.

He coughed cautiously, catching his breath, feeling even sicker from the pungent smell that hung around him…the smell as horrible as the way he felt. This place of suffering and abandonment suited him.

He leaned over awkwardly when the bile passed his throat for the umpteenth time and spilled out in a long convulsion. He grabbed his stomach and closed his eyes so he couldn’t see the mess coloring the water again. The dizziness began to build, the light becoming unbearable as a migraine took hold of his temples, seeping through to his sinuses. He shivered, trying to reach for the chase to vent some of his weakness, when a hand rested on his forehead. Incredibly cool, it brought such comfort that he could not suppress a fragile sigh.

Tenderly the hand placed a damp cloth on the back of his neck and then finally came to cover his eyes. There was the terribly aggressive sound of the toilet flushing, then a voice whispering for the light to drop to 20%.

That voice ...

His comfort immediately ceased, replaced by anguish. He coughed sharply, spitting out more bile in an effort to shake off the impending grief. He could do nothing against the intense tremors that made him gasp, nor the panicked sob that burst through the vomiting.

“Shhh, Jim.” The voice was a broken whisper. “Shhh, everything is fine.”

Kirk wanted to yell at him to go away, to leave him, not to hurt him anymore. Irrationally afraid of the anger that had rained over him earlier at the prospect of having to face reality. Instead he could only moan, shaken by a horrible, nauseating cough.

Feeling Jim shake and panic under his fingers, McCoy was crushed by an intense wave of guilt. He had seen Jim gripped with grief, stress, drunkenness, anger... but never so completely. It was the first time he seemed ... broken ... and it was largely his fault.

The abnormal heat radiating from his skin indicated a high fever and explained his lack of self control. McCoy took a syringe out of his bag and spoke in a very soft voice so as not to hurt his friend's headaches.

“Jim, I'm going to inject you with a painkiller, it'll help you relax.”

He had no other answer than a small hiccup and a burst of bile.

Nervous vomiting, McCoy noticed. It was serious. He was going to have to play it safe to get the captain to calm down enough to free himself from his sadness and he hoped the hypo would act quickly. He thrust the syringe into his biceps and took advantage of the slight respite that followed to quickly run the medical tricorder over Jim’s upper body.

The latter told him what he already knew: extreme stress, high fever, deficiencies in iron and magnesium, low blood pressure...nothing to indicate a gastric bug apart from weakness due to deficiencies, which reinforced his theory of psychogenic nausea.

McCoy was relieved to find that the sedative had done its work: Jim was shaking less and seemed more lucid.

“Bones...what--?”

Bones. So he didn't blame him. This man's empathy would kill him eventually, the doctor thought. He put a protective arm around the Jim’s shoulders and another under his chest to support him. He could feel the angry stomach muscles that continued to struggle and tighten. He gave a sad little smile.

“We are going to talk about all this. But first, we are going to get out of this horrible room. You need to lie down.”

“Um, that's not safe,” Jim grimaced with a little hiccup.

“I'll take a bucket, but I want you to lie down. Doctor's orders.”

“If it's an o-order,” he stammered, in a slight attempt at humor.

Jim allowed himself to be helped without opening his eyes, too ill to protest, and too weak to fend for himself. Bones almost carried him to his bed.

Once lying down, McCoy carefully removed Jim’s boots and socks, pulled up a wonderfully warm blanket and put a cloth on his forehead. Then Jim heard the familiar whirr of the tricorder passing once more over his body and finally the sound of several mixes. Careful fingers rested on his right temple.

“Can you open your eyes?”

“Urgh, Bones, I'll throw up if I open them.”

“There is a bucket, don't hold back. I need you to look at me.”

Jim groaned but obeyed. The light, even though very dim, made him moan in pain. It penetrated his head like a blade and triggered, as announced, a violent nausea.

McCoy held him very gently as he threw up a thin trickle of bilious saliva. He fell completely exhausted on the pillow once the attack was over. The doctor muttered something unintelligible and wiped his face.

“I should send you to the infirmary, Jim. You have serious deficiencies and that added to the stress...this is a perfect combination for a migraine in due form. I'll put you on an IV to regulate your sugar levels and give you a strong pain reliever. It should help you feel better.”

Once everything was in place, a tactical, hesitant silence settled between them. Jim could feel his presence, sitting on the edge of the bed rather than a chair, and the warm, warm hand pressed to his shoulder. The exhaustion and sadness rose in power now that the disease could no longer build its walls around his mind. He saw Edith again. Edith and her sweetness, her love, her joy, her magnificent ideas.

"She's fair ... but not at the right time," Spock had said, trying to make her listen to reason when he...he told her that she had to...die. He had desperately looked for another way but...but—

He clenched his teeth, overtaken by the intensity of the pain. By the gesture. He had even been unable to look at her body. He had not turned around, refusing to see what he had just done, struck head-on by the horror and disgust emanating from the doctor.

He swallowed, feeling the tremors start again, the despair skyrocketing. McCoy, hearing the gasps in his friend's tight breath, tightened his grip on his shoulder.

“I ... I loved her...Bones—"

A tear gathered in the corner of his eye and he sniffled, trying to pull himself together:

“Jim,” McCoy whispered, his own emotions rising. “I ... I don't even know how to apologize.”

“You have nothing to excuse. You are right. I ... killed her.”

“No. You saved our world. You did what you had to.”

“Oh, you spoke to Spock,” Jim whispered with a bitter smile.

“Yes.”

Despite the darkness, McCoy could see the paleness growing and the captain's face tightening with the effort to hold back the sobs. He searched for a moment for words he could say to alleviate the pain. Not finding them, he shook his head.

Jim tried to speak, with difficulty. “I shouldn't—”

“You have the right to be sad. You just lost the one you love in an act of unimaginable courage. Jim, I'm an overly impulsive old fool, I can't even imagine what you've been through and I sincerely ask forgiveness for this unjustified anger.”

“Please, Bones—"

“No, let me finish. Thank you for your understanding, but you don't have to. I acted like an idiot.”

“You couldn't have known.”

“That's no excuse. I know you and should have taken a step back.”

“What is done is done.”

“Jim, what I'm trying to say is that you must not let my emotionally spoken words get to you. You didn't deserve it.”

“I...I searched and searched...and searched again. I couldn't get away from her even when I knew that—”

“You were in love.”

“No, Bones. I'm in love. A selfish person who regrets choices that he shouldn't regret.”

“You are human, and you are suffering. Let it go.”

Another tear rolled down, then another, and finally it was a torrent that poured into the pillow. The captain put a hand over his mouth to silence the gasps of despair and the overwhelming agony of loss. Bones gripped his shoulder, patting it in a comforting gesture. He watched Jim sob like a child, breathing laboriously through exhaustion and mourning. Then he gradually calmed down until he fell into a deep sleep.

The doctor sighed and wiped away his own tears that had started at the same time as his friend's, and that he had not tried to stop. He readjusted the IVs and scanned Jim’s body for the third time. His fever was still high from a mild viral infection after several weeks in the cold and fatigue undernourishment. Jim would be off for a few days and stay in bed.

When he left the room, the doctor was not surprised to find Spock standing and waiting with arched eyebrows.

“How is he?”

“Exhausted and cold, but fine.”

“Has he been able to express his sorrow?”

“I guess, yes.” McCoy smiled, thinking of his friend's relaxed face as he left the room.

“And were you able to express yours?”

The doctor jumped slightly, not at all prepared for this question, much less for Spock to say it. He was sometimes pleasantly surprised by the well-hidden sensitivity of his Vulcan friend. A lump formed in his throat and he swallowed it.

“You are about to cry.”

“Damned be your insight, Mister Spock,” the doctor growled, a little annoyed.

“Humans all must cry at one time or another to get better, doctor. I do not understand why you put a manly bulwark in front of this natural mechanism.”

Bones laughed. “Wouldn't you find it embarrassing for me to break down in tears right now in your arms?”

He expected Spock to answer him, "Vulcans don't know the gene, doctor." Instead he replied, in his usual relaxed and serene tone, “If that makes you feel better, no.”

Such compassion was so strange that it almost seemed out of place. Leonard burst out into a frank laugh that turned without realizing it into a flood of tears. Tears of his own sadness this time, not empathy or guilt. Sadness he didn't think he had. Maybe he was also a little in love with Edith after all. And that the Vulcan understood it well before him.

Spock, moreover, did not pretend to leave, contenting himself to stay by his side until McCoy’s tears turned back into laughter.

“Why are you laughing?” the first officer asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Well, Mister Spock, because I’m thinking of the absurd spectacle we would have made if someone had been there. The ship's doctor weeping like a baby in front of a motionless Vulcan and their captain's closed door.”

Spock coughed and McCoy would swear to anyone who wanted to hear it that he was blushing.

“Well, you're not a hopeless case,” he said with a smirk, patting him on the shoulder. “Thanks, Spock.”

Then he turned on his heel towards the infirmary without hearing the relieved sigh of his alien friend.

#star trek sickfic #sickfic #TOS sickfic #sick kirk #panicked kirk #emotional hurt/comfort #physical hurt/comfort #emeto #tw emeto #tw panic attack

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angrbodic · 4 years ago

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Alucard thoughts (spoilers for Castlevania S4)

So to preface, I have a sinking suspicion that Alucard was a very solitary little boy and that perhaps his parents kept him close and were very over-protective of him. To me, that would make sense if that were the case; a dhamphir/vampire hybrid would be a rare occurrence in this world and we do have unofficial confirmation of that when Carmilla brought up the fact that Dracula never turned Lisa and they had a son together.

I’m sure not even Dracula would know what they were getting into having Alucard and then Dracula had to teach his son how to hone in on his vampiric side to keep it stable. So, it’s not to say Alucard doesn’t have people skills, he clearly does. I’m only mentioning this because--

-- I’ve seen others make a comment how Taka and Sumi’s betrayal didn’t make much of an impact on Alucard’s development. And I strongly disagree -- it did.

Alucard does take after his father quite a bit.

- He’s analytical and meticulous, very thoughtful in what he does, like his father. - I’ve noticed that Alucard’s candor when he talks he’s exceptionally soft-spoken like him as well. But he’s not above swearing or making smarry comments. - He is also very dangerous like his father but that’s not a character trait. We’ve seen if he’s hurt enough, he’ll turn to what he knows scared people away (i.e. impaled corpses) but that also shows that, at one point, Dracula had to have discussed his human life with his son and what profound affect that had on him. No one’s going to know how that panned out, but this is in reference to “Lament of Innocence”. - Obviously Alucard is very intelligent, like his father, he’s very educated, so he has a passion to learn like his father. He even makes the comment to Sypha and Trevor how much his father enjoyed learning and lamented how much of a waste it was to see his father turn the way he did instead of using his knowledge to help people. But over all, I’d say Alucard strongly takes after his mother more than his father. He is another facet in Dracula’s long life to remind him of Lisa’s humanity, possibly to the point when his son tried to reason with him that he was so disgusted and hurt that he injured his son. Alucard has a strong sense of compassion and sympathy for others, so much like his mother, and he clearly tends to follow more in her footsteps than his father.

So, not only did he act out of loneliness when Taka and Sumi asked for his help, he was taking after his mother in doing so. The games go the same direction, Alucard does what he does because of his mother and how much of weight she has on him. But this is going back to how Alucard was brought up, that he was sheltered, in some sense, his parents very protective of him, so I think a lot of naiveté was involved when he crossed Taka and Sumi. They spoke to not only that depression and loneliness, but they also spoke to how his mother was a constant reminder of good in the world.

He did want company, but he also wanted to continue his mother’s good will and helping others. So, he didn’t understand the implications of their desperation and didn’t see their betrayal coming. In my opinion, not only did these two exploit that, but they also coerced him into sex. I though that not only Hector’s sexual intimacy with Lenore was uncomfortable, but I thought Alucard’s was especially so, like his heart wasn’t in it. It’s not to say that it was dubious consent, but they used it as means to break him down and killed them.

So, when they betrayed them, he is so devastated, he goes back to where his father died and curls up to the remainder of his father, because you know at one point, Dracula was always emphasizing caution, vigilance, and that not everyone can be trusted, the opposite of what his mother taught him. He went to the closest source to what he knew best as means of strength and how to handle with being betrayed. His mother likely never experienced as much betrayal and cruelty as much as his father did. And, well, he doesn’t have physical connections to his mother’s remains.

We see Alucard shift further into his depression as season 4 comes up. You see a few more bodies outside of the castle but I highly doubt that Alucard did this to random people without provocation. But more importantly, he just looks absolutely disheveled.

He’s unkempt, filthy, and looks worse for wear. We know he has guilt in doing what he’s done but also the affects of Taka and Sumi’s betrayal made him feel so awful that he let himself go to a complete, literal mess. Before then, Alucard was a clean, well-kempt man. Alucard stopped taking care of himself because what was the point if they were seeing him as someone to be used (not feared, even) for his knowledge and home. The bodies outside were used to ward people away, but even Dracula managed to stay clean and well-kempt, not like his son.

I think this touches the depths of Alucard’s shatter of self-confidence and how lowly he thought of himself after being used by Taki and Sumi. He would have shoved himself further into that pit, but the note and the man that died along the way was a nudge into the right direction. It spoke to his good nature and gave him purpose once more. Innocent people that were 20 miles away that desperately need his help.

Not like people approaching him in the one place he felt secure, a metaphorical invasion of his personal space. Again.

So it makes sense that he felt more secure going out to assist people and once how he saw families being tormented after losing his family, he couldn’t sulk in the castle. He wouldn’t sulk in the castle, because that’s not him. He’s not his father, he can’t do what he did, because ultimately, he’s more like his mother and his mother’s virtues are stronger in him. He is the literal antithesis of his father, he is his mother’s son.

I feel that Alucard always wanted an interaction with the outside world and he certainly had that with the refugees he helped. He played with the children, he happily gave them food, and he was doing what his mother did and you know that’s what he wanted to do in the end: Do what his mother did and used his father’s knowledge for good, like she did. I feel like in the end, Alucard’s quiet inner grief from season one where he shut down from the world (not only just to heal his wounds) after his mother’s awful death, he was coaxed to open up and find a sense of community and love that he wouldn’t have had and had to limited degree after his mother’s death.

He didn’t see himself worthy of it, not only on the account of his father’s blood, but what he did in reaction to being betrayed. I’m not going to say Alucard’s reaction was completely awful: what Taka and Sumi did was wrong and it hurt him more than he let on and more than what’s seen on a surface level. But not only that, Sypha and Trevor had such an impact on him as well, reminding him of his mother’s good deeds that was easy for him to feel comfortable in his skin again, or perhaps, the most he’s ever felt comfortable as his own person ever did.

From a man that was so deeply traumatized, hurt, alone, and exploited from the very first episode (you know Dracula would have used his son as a tool in his revenge if Taka and Sumi didn’t use him) to a man that’s finally found purpose and it’s the best way he can coumarate not only his father, but especially his mother.

And maybe that’s why he looks “weirdly happy”, the poor man has been limited so much in his life. So in retrospect, his development makes sense. He didn’t necessarily transform -- he found himself again and he found an even better part of himself he never knew he had. People like him for what he is: witty, compassionate, intelligent, and sympathetic.

#alucard #castlevania

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carllisle · 4 years ago

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How do you think Esme argued with Rosalie, Emmett or Edward? How is she dealing with their shenanigans? Could you imagine first argument between her and Edward?

sorry it’s taken so long for me to get to this ask! thank you for asking, it means a lot that you have asked my opinion! i hope you're having a lovely day/evening/night

so in midnight sun we get a glimpse of how understanding and patient Esme is on the day of the baseball game when Edward notes that Esme had been trying to talk to Rosalie all afternoon about Bella and the Bella/Edward situation and even that they were holding hands when they were talking abt it on the baseball field. Edward also notes earlier that when Rosalie was first turned, Esme had a great deal of patience with Rosalie. Now, let’s be real, no one has an endless amount of patience, not even a vampire and there must have been something that would make her crack. I think that Esme was a willing ear when Rosalie mourned the human life she lost and how much she hates immortality and resents Carlisle for giving it to her. She probably encouraged Rosalie to talk to Carlisle about it to get it all out in the open and move past it as best as she could, but after a few years of still being resentful to Carlisle and calling him all the names under the sun Esme probably snaps. This would probably be because she saw how much Carlisle was hurting from Rosalie’s words and how much that added to his self-loathing. I think she argued with Rosalie and pointed out as sensitively as she could that without Carlisle, Rosalie would be dead and wouldn’t have any kind of life, and isn’t this half-life better than nothing? Would she really prefer death over life with Emmett? And that Carlisle thought he was doing the right thing by saving her! he deserves forgiveness and understanding, just as she deserves patience and compassion. I think Rosalie scoffed and said she never asked to be saved but after Esme put it like that she perhaps did some reflection and came to forgive him somewhat because after all he did give her some kind of life, and he gave her Emmett.

Clearly Esme and Rosalie are very close but I think Rosalie’s stubbornness is perhaps a point of contention for them. Esme is also kind and compassionate and I think someone like Rosalie would find that annoying sometimes, because sometimes she just wants to rant and rave and be angry without someone trying to fix it, you know? Sometimes she just needs to have a good bitch about something and not have Esme try to fix it or ‘look on the bright side’.

As Emmett is fairly easy-going and so is Esme, I can’t think of anything specific that they would argue about. Probably just small little tiffs here and there that are to be expected between adults that live in the same household - dirty shoes in the house, being messy/not doing his share of the household chores, getting irritated at her nagging, just common stuff. Given her past, when Edward and Emmett were rough-housing after his transformation I’m not sure she would have the courage to ask them to be more careful right away and maybe Carlisle asked them on her behalf. Later on in their relationship, I’m sure it became more of a reminder than an argument. Maybe she found his cavalier attitude about slip-ups upsetting, as Emmett seems to find slip-ups as an unavoidable part of their nature, whereas I imagine Esme to be deeply affected by each life she takes. Perhaps when he is trying to comfort her after she kills someone he makes an off-hand remark about how these things happen, it’s alright, and she blows up at him because she is so upset and she drills into him how it’s not alright. I’m not sure it would be an argument, though, because Emmett would likely apologise and so would she for misdirecting her anger at him.

God with Edward it’s so hard to know because SMeyer is criminal in writing Esme’s devotion to her son. We’re supposed to believe that she was happy to leave Bella in New Moon, because of Edward’s remarks in Midnight Sun that Esme didn’t care about anything except his happiness, but I call bull. SMeyer writes her so 2-dimensionally. Esme is such a kind and loving person and over the summer between Twilight and New Moon we can only assume that Bella spent a huge amount of time with the Cullens and that her relationship with them all developed immensely. In my head, this means especially Alice, Emmett, and Esme. Look how devastated she was when they left, and in New Moon it’s explicitly clear that it’s not just because Edward left, but because they all did! Now would Esme be happy about Edward deciding to leave her instead of turn her? Absolutely not. Would she try to put her foot down and convince him to stay? Yes. When he argued back and refused to be swayed by her, would she ultimately follow his wishes? Unfortunately yes. I imagine there was still an argument between the two of them as Esme could easily put herself in Bella’s shoes and imagine what it would do to her.

Esme joined Carlisle and Edward during Edward’s early years as a vampire and perhaps there were remarks made when Edward accidentally heard her thoughts and she resented that (even though she knew it was not his fault). She likes Tanya a lot and probably tried to get Edward to reciprocate Tanya’s affections or at least give her a chance and Edward firmly answered why he didn’t want Tanya in that way. Similar to her arguments with Rosalie, I think Esme argued with Edward about their nature as vampires. In my head, Esme is in touch with her faith as a Christian, always working to make sure her faith evolves with the world and always working on her relationship with God, scripture, and those she loves. I think she fundamentally disagrees with Edward about their souls and argues that they are not damned, they are not soulless, and they are not evil. She argues that Edward is not evil despite his countless murders nor is he damned for them, at which point Edward replies that he doesn’t regret his murders and he is not sorry, therefore he cannot ask forgiveness and he cannot be absolved, and he is doomed to the fiery pits below. Esme huffs but can’t fault his logic. So I imagine they have theological debates that can stray into passionate arguments. Carlisle is left on the sidelines and once again is stuck between the beliefs of his son, and the beliefs of his wife, still not knowing which argument he agrees with more.

In terms of their first argument, I think it was about Charles. I’ve explored it in my long fic This New Life (ch 12 if ur interested teehee) where Edward is so enraged by the memories of him that Esme has that he wants to hunt him down. At this point in time Edward has never killed a person and despite the built up rage he had for Charles, Esme didn’t want him to go after him because she couldn’t bear for Edward to kill a person - even a person like that - in her name. I think she argued passionately for him to let Charles live because she couldn’t have lived with the guilt if Edward had killed him. She feared that it would be a mark on Edward’s soul and she would look at Edward and see the sin and see the man she hated. I think this argument was pretty passionate. Once Carlisle knew the extent of what Charles had done I believe he sided reluctantly with Edward for a while and agreed that Charles did not deserve to live, although deep down Carlisle wanted to exact revenge for the horrors committed against the woman he loved. After Esme pointed out (passionately, emotionally) that they were trying to control her and make decisions for her just like Charles had done, Carlisle backed off and allowed his mind to be changed and he joined Esme in asking Edward not to go against her wishes.

Once he got back from his travels as feminist vigilante legend, a trip during which Charles was his first ever victim, I think Esme was so overwhelmed to have him home that she didn’t even care about Charles. Edward justified himself pretty quickly by saying that he would have gone on this spree anyway and committed all these murders, so he was just one in many, and that was good enough for Esme tbf, and it allowed her to move on finally.

Sorry, this got really long and rambly but I hope it made sense! Thank you again for asking!

#anon #ask #this new life #headcanon #ellie writes

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bogkeep · 4 years ago

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hmmmmmmmmmm maybe i’ll write an Introspective Musing Post about my relationship to religion and their depiction in stories because i’ve pondering about this topic lately

so for those who are reading this and DON’T know what’s been going on... there’s this webcomic i fell in love with some years ago, about six years actually, that depicts a post-apocalyptic fantasy/horror adventure set in the nordic countries. it had, and has still, some very uncomfortable flaws regarding racial representation, and the creator has historically not dealt very well with criticism towards it. it’s a whole Thing. my relationship with this comic has fluctuated a lot, since there are a lot of elements in it i DO love and i still feel very nostalgic about, and like idk i felt like i trust my skills in critical thinking enough to keep reading. aaand then the creator went a teensy bit off the deep end created a whole minicomic which is like... a lukewarm social media dystopia where christians are oppressed (and also everyone is a cute bunny, including our lord and saviour jesus christ). which is already tonedeaf enough considering there are religious people who DO get prosecuted for their faith, like, that’s an actual reality for a lot of people - but as far as i can tell, usually not christians. and then there’s an afterword that’s like, “anyway i got recently converted and realized i’m a disgusting human being full of sin who doesn’t deserve redemption but jesus loves me so i’ll be fine!! remember to repent for your sins xoxo” and a bunch of other stuff and IT’S KIND OF REALLY CONCERNING i have, uh, been habitually looking at the reactions to and discussions around this, maybe it’s not very self care of me but there’s a lot of overwhelming things rn and it’s fantastically distracting, yknow? like, overall this situation is fairly reminiscent of the whole jkr thing. creator of a series that is Fairly Beloved, does something hurtful, handles backlash in a weird way, a lot of people start taking distance from Beloved Series or find ways to enjoy it on their own terms, creator later reveals to have been fully radicalized and releases a whole manifesto, and any and all criticism gets framed as harassment and proving them right. of course, one of them is a super rich person with a LOT of media power and a topic that is a lot more destructive in our current zeitgeist, and the other is an independent webcomic creator, so it’s not the same situation. just similar vibez ya feel as a result of this, i have been Thinking. and just this feels like some sort of defeat like god dammit she got me i AM thinking about the topic she wrote about!!! i should dismiss the whole thing!!! but thinking about topics is probably a good thing so hey lets go. me, i’m agnostic. i understand that this is a ‘lazy’ position to take, but it’s what works for me. i simply do not vibe with organized religion, personally. (i had the wikipedia page for ‘chaos magic’ open in a tab for several weeks, if that helps.) i was raised by atheists in a majorly atheist culture. christian atheist, i should specify. norway has been mostly and historically lutheran, and religion has usually been a private and personal thing. it turns out the teacher i had in 7th grade was mormon, but i ONLY found out because he showed up in a tv series discussing religious groups in norway later, and he was honestly one of the best teachers i have ever had - he reignited the whole class’ interest in science, math, and dungeons and dragons. it was a real “wait WHAT” moment for my teenage self. i think i was briefly converted to christianity by my friend when i was like 7, who grew up in a christian family (i visited them a couple times and always forgot they do prayers before dinner. oops!), but like, she ALSO made me believe she was the guardian of a secret magic orb that controls the entire world and if i told anybody the world would burn down in 3 seconds. i only suspected something was off when one day the Orb ran on batteries, and another day the Orb had to be plugged in to charge. in my defense i really wanted to be part of a cool fantasy plot. i had no idea how to be a christian beyond “uuuuh believe in god i guess” so it just faded away on its own. when i met this friend several years later, she was no longer christian. i think every childhood friend of mine who grew up in a christian family, was no longer christian when they grew up. most notably my closest internet friend whose family was catholic - she had several siblings, and each of them took a wildly different path, from hippie treehugger to laveyan satanist or something in that area. (i joined them for a sermon in a church when they visited my town. my phone went off during it because i had forgotten to silence it. oops!) ((i also really liked their mother’s interpretation of purgatory. she explained it as a bath, not fire. i like that.)) i have never had any personal negative experiences with christianity, despite being openly queer/gay/trans. the only time someone has directly told me i’m going to hell was some guy who saw me wearing a hoodie on norway’s constitution day. yeah i still remember that you bastard i’ve sworn to be spiteful about it till the day i die!! i’ve actually had much more insufferable interactions with the obnoxious kind of atheists - like yes yes i agree with you on a lot but that doesn’t diminish your ability to be an absolute hypocrite, it turns out? i remember going to see the movie ‘noah’ with a friend who had recently discovered reddit atheism and it was just really exhausting to discuss it with her. one of these Obnoxious Atheists is my Own Mother. which is a little strange, honestly, because she LOVES visiting churches for the Aesthetic and Architecture. we cannot go anywhere without having to stop by a pretty church to Admire and Explore. I’VE BEEN IN SO MANY CHURCHES FOR AN ATHEIST RAISED NON-CHRISTIAN. i’ve been to the vatican TWICE (i genuinely don’t even know how much of my extended family is christian. up north in the tiny village i come from, i believe my uncle is the churchkeeper, and it’s the only building in the area that did not get burnt down by the the nazis during ww2 - mostly because soldiers needed a place to sleep. still don’t know whether or not said uncle believes or not, because hey, it’s Personal) i think my biggest personal relationship to religion, and christianity specifically, has been academic. yeah, we learned a brief synopsis of world religions at school (and i remember the class used to be called ‘christianity, religion, and ethics’ and got changed to ‘religion, beliefs, and ethics’ which is cool. it was probably a big discourse but i was a teen who didnt care), but also my bachelor degree is in art history, specifically western art history because it’s a vast sprawling topic and they had to distill it as best they could SIGHS. western art history is deeply entangled with the history of the church, and i think the most i’ve ever learnt about christianity is through these classes (one of my professors wrote an article about how jesus can be interpreted as queer which i Deeply Appreciate). i also specifically tried to diversify my academic input by picking classes such as ‘depiction of muslims and jewish people in western medieval art’ and ‘art and religion’ when i was an exchange student in canada, along with 101 classes in anthropology and archaeology. because i think human diversity and culture is very cool and i want to absorb that knowledge as best as i can. i think my exchange semester in canada was the most religiously diverse space have ever been in, to be honest. now as an adult i have more christian friends again, but friends who chose it for themselves, and who practice in ways that sound good and healthy, like a place of solace and community for them. the vast majority of my friends are queer too, yknow?? i’ve known too many people who have seen these identities as fated opposites, but they aren’t, they’re just parts of who people are. it’s like... i genuinely love people having their faiths and beliefs so much. i love people finding that space where they belong and feel safe in. i love people having communities and heritages and connections. i deeply respect and admire opening up that space for faith within any other communities, like... if i’m going to listen to a podcast about scepticism and cults, i am not going to listen to it if it’s just an excuse to bash religion. i think the search for truth needs to be compassionate, always. you can acknowledge that crystals are cool and make people happy AND that multi level marketing schemes are deeply harmful and prey on people in vulnerable situaitons. YOU KNOW???? so now’s when i bring up Apocalypse Comic again. one of the things i really did like about it was, ironically, how it handled religion. in its setting, people have returned to old gods, and their magic drew power from their religion. characters from different regions had different beliefs and sources. in the first arc, they meet the spirit of a lutheran pastor, who ends up helping them with her powers. it was treated as, in the creators own words, ‘just another mythology’. and honestly? i love that. it was one of the nicest depictions i’ve seen of christianity in fiction, and as something that could coexist with other faiths. I Vibe With That. and then, uh, then... bunny dystopia comic. it just... it just straight up tells you christianity is literally the only way to..?? be a good person??? i guess?? i’m still kind of struggling to parse what exactly it wanted to say. the evil social media overlord bird tells you the bible makes you a DANGEROUS FREETHINKER, but the comic also treats rewriting the bible or finding your own way to faith as something,, Bad. The Bible Must Remain Unsullied. Never Criticize The Bible. also, doing good things just for social media clout is bad and selfish. you should do good things so you don’t burn in hell instead. is that the message? it reads a lot like the comic creator already had the idea for the comic, but only got the urge to make it after she was converted and needed to spread the good word. you do you i guess!! i understand that she’s new to this and probably Going Through Something, and this is just a step on her journey. but the absolute self-loathing she described in her afterword... it does not sound good. i’m just some agnostic kid so what do i know, but i do not think that kind of self-flagellating is a kind faith to have for yourself. i might not ever have been properly religious, but you know what i AM familiar with? a brain wired for ocd and intrusive thoughts. for a lot of my life i’ve struggled with my own kind of purity complex. i’ve had this really strange sensitivity for things that felt ‘tainted’. i’ve experienced having to remove more and more words from my vocabulary because they were Bad and i did not want to sully my sentences. it stacked, too - if a word turned out to be an euphemism for something, i could never feel comfortable saying it again. i still struggle a bit with these things, but i have confronted these things within myself. i’ve had to make myself comfortable with imperfection and ‘tainted’ things and accept that these are just, arbitrary categories my mind made up. maybe that’s the reason i can’t do organized religion even if i found one that fit for me - just like diets can trigger disordered eating, i think it would carve some bad brainpaths for me. so yeah i’m worried i guess! i’m worried when people think it’s so good that she finally found the correct faith even if it’s causing all this self-hate. is there really not a better way? or are they just trusting she’ll find it? and yeah it’s none of my concern, it’s like, i worry for jkr too but i do not want her within miles of my trans self thANKS. so like, i DO enjoy media that explores faith and what it means for you. my favourite band is the oh hellos, which DOES draw on faith and the songwriter’s experience with it. because of my religious iliteracy most of it has flown over my head for years and i’m like “oh hey this is gay” and then only later realize it was about god all along Probably. i like what they’ve done with the place. also, stormlight archive - i had NO idea sanderson was mormon, the way he writes his characters, many of whom actively discuss religion and their relationship to it. i love that about the books, honestly. Media That Explores Religion In A Complex And Compassionate Way... we like that i’ve been thinking about my own stories too, and how i might want to explore faith in them. most of my settings are based on magic and it’s like, what role does religion have in a world where gods are real and makes u magic. in sparrow spellcaster’s story, xe creates? summons? an old god - brings them to life out of the idea of them. it’s a story about hubris, mostly. then there’s iphimery, the story where i am actively fleshing out a pantheon. there’s no doubt the gods are real in the fantasy version of iphimery, they are the source of magic and sustain themselves on slivers of humanity in exchange. but in the modern version, where they are mostly forgotten? that’s some room for me to explore, i think. especially the character of timian, who comes from a smaller town and moves to a large and diverse city. in the fantasy story, the guardian deity chooses his sister as a vessel. in the modern setting, that does not happen, and i don’t yet know what does, but i really want timian to be someone who struggles with his identity - his faith, his sexuality, the expectations cast upon him by his hometown... i’m sure it’s a cliché story retold through a million gay characters but i want to do it too okay. i want to see him carve out his own way of existing within the world because i care him and want to see him thrive!!! alrighty i THINK that’s all i wanted to write. thanks if you read all of this, and if you didn’t that’s super cool have a nice day !

#rambles #i wrote this for me and theres no obligation to read it

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rosierocks30 · 4 years ago

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Chapter 11: The Coup D'état

Reiner hasn’t seen Mikasa for a week since their unexpected encounter. All he could think about was the way her soft lips crashed into his. As a Marleyan warrior, he shouldn’t have these thoughts towards his enemy, but as a man, it’s so tempting to expand his forbidden thoughts about the female Ackerman. He remembers when he and his comrades went on their mission to retrieve the Founding Titan from the Paradis Eldians, he met Mikasa at a military academy and his crush for her grew when she spared him and took him down. He admired her strength and talents from being an excellent soldier. He felt she had so much potential, but with Eren it was hard for her to focus on her priorities.

Sure he was jealous a little bit, but he believed Mikasa could grow to her full potential which a week ago, Reiner saw what she was capable of doing. He saw another side of her personality that she rarely shows to anyone.

Right now, he kept replaying on that day when Mikasa kissed him. Just thinking of the way they kissed was very enjoyable and passionate, especially for two former comrades now enemies.

The Armored Titan holder was lost in his thoughts as he’s with his family having a late lunch. Gabi, his cousin telling interesting tales during her training. His other relatives praised her while his mother was staring at him with concern.

“Reiner? Are you alright?” His mother interrupted his daydream. Reiner’s cheeks were now flushed embarrassedly.

“Yes, mother. I’m alright. I just had a lot of things on my mind.” He tried to stay cool. The rest of his family gave an ‘are you sure’ look.

“Are you sure, son? You just have that look that I used to do that when I thought about your father.” Ms. Braun's voice was low. Reiner glanced up at his mother then sighed as he got up from his chair.

“I’m fine, mother. I had a lot on my mind because we’re going to the shoreline tomorrow to prepare for the invasion soon.” He said.

Ms. Braun seems not convinced, but she lets him off as he gets up from his seat. “Are you heading back to the base?”

“Yes, I need to prepare for tomorrow. Gabi, you can enjoy a little more time here before you have to come back soon for tomorrow.” The titan shifter looked at his cousin who nodded.

“Well, thank you for the lovely meal mother. I will definitely miss your home cooked meal and uncle and auntie, it’s good to see you both again.” He smiles at each of them.

“Wait son, let me pack you up some leftovers so you can enjoy it on the trip to the shoreline.” Ms. Braun gets up quickly to go pack up some leftovers for his son, but add more to share with his close comrades. His soldiers always praised how good his mother’s home cooked meals were.

The blonde haired man goes towards the kitchen where his mother is packing up some food for him. “Reiner, I know you have a lot of plate in you, but I’m asking a favor from you to find a girl. I don’t care...where she’s from as long, she makes you happy.”

Reiner was surprised by his mother’s words. Usually, she always told him to find a good respectable Eldian girl even though she prefers a Marleyan girl, but that sounds too far fetched for him to be with. With years passed, his time is running out. Soon in a year, he will be dead by the titan's curse and have to pass it on to his successor.

“Mother, what are you trying to say?” He finally broke his silence.

“I want a grandchild. I understand this will be unfair for you and the potential mother of your child, but hear me out my son. I may push you to be in the warriors program so our family can be citizens. I want to say, I’m sorry, Reiner …for letting my ambition put on you. I was so hurt and in denial when your father stopped this secret affair. I thought being citizens will make him come back to me and be a family like I’ve dreamed. Every time I count the days when you’re about to die, I cry...from the guilty making my only child go through hell. I’m sorry for causing you pain, my precious son. I love you so much. Please, if you can make time, find a girl that makes you happy and have a child. I promise you that I will accept the mother of your child with open arms and treat her as my daughter. Your child will be raised with love and knowing its father died as a hero.” She cupped her son’s face to stare into his eyes.

Reiner scoffs that his mother mentions him as a hero. He didn’t feel like a hero when reality had hit him hard during the time of the Trost District invasion of the Titans. He started to have nightmares. At first it was the loss of his comrades Marcel Gaillard, Porco Gaillard’s older brother, the last holder of the Jaw Titan before Ymir ate him and stole the Jaw titan from him on the island. Porco had resented him because of his brother’s death.

“Reiner, you may not think you’re a hero but you are. Your loyalty to our Motherland Marley proves you will sacrifice for your country, comrades, our people and the Marleyan who had discriminated against us for years. With you, you have shown there are good Eldians; not the devils from Paradis.” Ms Braun’s tone brings some comfort in Reiner from the deeds he had done in the past.

“Mother, if I already had in mind who has my heart, will you keep your promise once I die?” He said

His mother smiled in joy from hearing this. “Oh son, so there is a girl in your life. Yes, I will keep my promise.”

“Even if it’s an enemy?” He dropped the news on to her. Now, his mother became quiet. He knew it that she would not keep her promise.

“Is she with a child?” She finally answered.

“No, we...I just saw her a week ago and….my old feelings for her had resurfaced. I thought I would grow out of it once I got back home. Instead I deeply buried these feelings since she’s an enemy and also her heart belonged to someone else at that time. I can’t keep her out of my mind. I tried mother, but if you knew her; she’s compassionate, fierce, strong, loyal, kind and also protective. Did you know she saved Gabi from getting killed by one of her comrades when Eren Jaeger attacked Liberio? She doesn’t see us, not even Marleyans as enemies. She fights to protect. I’m tired of denying my feelings for her. I want my last year on earth to have that small happiness. With that I see Mikasa Ackerman as my happiness.” he took a deep breath after his passionate speech.

“I see...this Mikasa is related to that Ackerman monster?” Reiner was confused about what his mother meant, but remember Zeke mentioned to the higher ups that they all need to beware Captain Levi Ackerman who is a monster when it comes to fighting. He agrees with Zeke that the Captain of the Survey Corps is a bloodlust killing machine. Heck, he had nightmares because of the captain.

“Yes, she is his distant relative, but how do you know about the Ackermans?” He questioned his mother.

“Let’s just say, I know how to retain information from the military when it’s necessary.” She said.

“Mother, that’s treason.” He whispered.

“And you falling for the enemy isn’t not treason? I did it because you had me worried the way you scream at night from terrors and I read on your report that you attempt to shoot yourself. I am scared for you, but like I said. I take mostly blame on myself for making you lead that path. I will do what it takes for you. It won’t make up completely what i made you do but it’s a start. Now, about that Mikasa girl. If you believe she will make you happy then you have my blessing. Just please both of you be careful ok. I don’t want anything bad to happen to you, son.” Her hand caressing her son’s cheek.

“I will be careful, but first I need to confront her about my old feelings for her.” He said.

“Well, you better because I still want a grandchild. Here, I pack enough for your friends and some extra if you meet up with the girl again.” She said with a smile then gave a paper bag with containers of leftovers to him.

“Oh god mother.” He blushed and took the big brown paper bag.

“I love you mother. I promise I will come back home alive to spend my last moments with you guys.” He smiled and hugged her.

“ I love you sweetheart. Please take care and take care of Gabi. She’s still a child.” She said.

“Of course I will. Goodbye...mom.” He whispered then exited through the back door and walked around to walk through the sidewalk.

Reiner enjoyed walking down the streets whether it’s empty or crowded. The nostalgia feeling rushed in when he glanced at all the spots he had hung out with his old friends and new. He will miss home and the people who were busy with their daily lives. There are some destroyed buildings from the surprise attack by Eren that haven't been reconstructed yet.

The Eldian blonde man was now glancing up at the blue sky until he saw a very familiar figure up at the roof jumping from roof to roof. Seriously, why isn’t Mikasa being decree? Is she trying to get herself spotted? He stopped to see her staring down at him. He doesn’t know whether he should ignore her for now. Well, his mother did pack some for Mikasa, maybe having lunch with her will get her to lose her guard with him. He goes to find a ladder that's connected to the roof where Mikasa is staring down at him. Her eyes kind of glow silver which scares him a bit, but also feels intrigued.

Finally he reaches to the top of the roof and sees Mikasa a bit far distant with her hoodie covering the top half of face. Her jet black bangs flow delicately from the breeze. His mind definitely wasn’t playing tricks when he stared at her silver glowing eyes. Reiner began to walk towards her. At first, she was about to spring off from him; but he gently used his hands to make a surrender gesture for her.

“Hey I'm not here to chase after you. I’m here for a peace offer.” He waved the big brown paper bag at her.

When the smell of a home cooked meal reached to her nostrils, her stomach growled from hunger. She blushed from feeling hungry. Mikasa pulled off her hoodie to reveal her face towards him. “This isn’t a trick right? Because i won’t hesitate to kill you this time if you do.” She warned him.

“I swear on my honor, this is not a trick. I just thought two adults having lunch on a nice clear day.” He said truthfully.

Mikasa contemplates whether to risk it and take his offer or just run away. “Fine I guess having lunch with an old friend is acceptable, but can I trust you if I show you my hideout?”

Reiner sighed. “Yes, you can trust me. I would have already tried to capture you by now.”

“Hmm fair point. Just don’t make me regret it ok. Follow me. I’ll show you my little temporary place.” Mikasa began to hop on the other rooftop which Reiner groaned but thank goodness with his titan strength he managed to catch up with her.

Finally they reached their destination. An old abandoned building was far apart from the city limit. Reiner felt they passed the internment zone where they segregated Eldians like him from the Marleyan citizens. It felt like no man's land.

“This is a good hideout.” He said.

“Yeah, I need a good place not to be seen.” She made a scoff sound then used her strength to move the heavy cemented flat block to reveal a hole enough for them to get through. Both entered into the hole then Mikasa once again closed the entrance and used candle lights to brighten the room. It's dark here, but there’s a stairway which Mikasa leads him upstairs until there is brightness from the daylight. He saw a bed and a small desk with a little feminine touch. The view was beautiful since he can see the rest of the city far away. Mikasa blows her candle light which he does the same.

She took off her boots and sat on her bed. “Sorry I don’t have a table for us to eat. Just take off your shoes and join me on the bed.” the way she said it made Reiner blushed.

He took off his shoes and went to bed. Reiner placed the bag on the bed and opened it which the aroma of the food spread around the room. “So, what did your family cook? Because it smells good.” She said.

He took out containers of the different kinds of dishes his mother made. “My mother made a feast like lunch since Gabi and I are being shipped off to the shoreline soon.”

“Yes, I’m aware your armies are preparing to invade my home.” She said with a bit of a dark tone.

“Mikasa...I know this is too late but I’m sorry for what I did in the past. I was naïve and eager to please my superiors especially I made a promise to my mother that our family will be rewarded to become citizens. This war had opened up my eyes and the consequence. I hate the mindset the Eldians were taught to hate their own people across the sea. We are all the same. It's just a fucked up world that my people have to hate your people just to live.” While speaking his thoughts out, he prepared the right amount of food in one bowl his mother placed into the bag. Then he handed the bowl filled with food to Mikasa.

“Thank you.” She mumbled gratefully then took a bite. “Reiner, maybe the younger me would accept an apology, but you don’t need to because like you said, you were a child being upbrought with my people being the devils and your people just happened to carry the blood of the devils. You thought it was justifiable of what you, Annie, and Bertholdt did the day you and him broke into the Wall of Shiganshina. After that, that hatred infected my people in wanting to destroy all titans. So, I understand what you did was necessary and naïve if I would have been in your shoes. Now, I see a man with remorse and pain from the guilt you caused during that time. But if you need my forgiveness then you are forgiven. I believe us Eldians and against the world aren’t the real villains since the real ones cause this long history of bloodshed and pain. This is one of the reasons why I joined the Brotherhood of the Creed. I learnt the truth of the history both sides were lied to.”

Reiner already had his bowl with food in it while Mikasa was speaking. He glanced up in confusion. “What do you mean, Mikasa?”

“What I mean is the history we both know is not what it seems.” Mikasa gets up while holding on to her half empty bowl. She placed it on her desk then grabbed old artifact documents and placed it in front of Reiner.

“Huh? What’s this?” He stared down old documents on the bed.

“This is evidence that our history was lied to. Everything we knew was nothing but a lie.” Her tone became dark. “I didn’t want to believe it at first either but the facts never lie.”

Reiner stopped eating and placed his bowl on the ground. He grabbed one of the papers and read. He was surprised that he kept reading each paper to process this revelation in his mind.

“What did I just read, Mikasa? Don’t tell me that all the pain, blood, tears, and fears we Eldians and Marleyans endured was all just for these sick people’s ambition to rule the world? Who do these templars think they are?” His body was shaking from the anger building.

“They planted the seed of hate and fear on both the Fritz king and his concubine, Ymir the Founding Titan. You know how the legend goes when Ymir made a deal with the Earth Devil to receive the power of the titan?” She glanced at him.

“Well, the real lore was she went to the forest to get fresh berries and herbal plants like she would usually do then one day, Ymir was gathering more until she came across a device that’s not from this world. She touched it to see strange imaging in her mind and there was an object next to it. Ymir hears voices in her head whispering the promise of endless power and immortality. Of course, she was a slave to the king; she desperately made the deal without knowing the curse. Ymir had the power to have the world under her feet instead she let the king use her as a weapon to just protect from neighboring enemies. The templars heard stories of a woman turning a giant so they came here and that’s where they whisper to the king to conquer and the world will bow to him.”

Reiner listened to Mikasa. “So in order to take over the world they need to let chaos spread to manipulate how they see it fit?” he was trying to understand what he just found out.

“Yeah pretty much. Yet their ideology and the Order are still alive today. Some are disgusting as Paradisan citizens and some are very close to your military ranks.” She stared into him.

He gasped and grunted his teeth. “Fuck, this is too much.”

“It explains why this part of the world hasn’t advanced a lot for years. The other half of the world already have this device called cell phones.” She pulled out from her pocket a phone and let Reiner hold it.

He looked at it with curiosity and intrigue. “What does it do?”

“You can communicate from a very long distance but it needs satellites and the internet. I use this flat round device to recharge it. It’s how I keep my contact with my higher rank.” Mikasa said while watching Reiner touching the screen and his eyes lit up like a child. Low key a smile appears on her lips as she finds it cute.

“Why are you telling me all this?” He stopped and became serious.

“Because I feel you should know the truth. My gut feeling tells me to trust you so I did, plus you’re the only person I know in this place who will listen and consider. You did have the right to inform your superior about my appearance here, but you didn’t...why?” The titan shifter couldn’t help staring into her dark eyes. They are full of mystery. Reiner knew he'd get lost into them if he kept staring at them. No matter how she looked, he would always see her as a beautiful warrior.

“Because I don’t want anything bad to happen to you...I guess you can say; my old boy crush had resurfaced when I saw you again a week ago.” He was blushing from his confession.

Mikasa was surprised by this. Her cheeks were blushing too. “How long have you had this crush?”

“The first time we met when we became partners to spar. I had admired your strength. You made things look so effortless. I haven’t seen that since Captain Levi.” his tone became soft.

“Yeah, you might be surprised but captain midget and I are actually related. Apparently, when he found out his surname is also Ackerman; Commander Hange began to research our family genealogy. So, he’s my second cousin. We’re the only blood family we have. Well, I will be an auntie soon.” She brushed her bang to the side to see him better.

“Wow, that explains so much the way you both have this similar intimidating look and your fighting style is very similar also.” Reiner carefully gathered the papers to place them on the ground.

“Pfft, first off, I’m better than him.” She mumbled.

“Already having a family rivalry going on?” he chuckled.

“I just hate to always be compared by him. I don’t want to be his shadow. I want to be just Mikasa.” She whispered.

“Hey, you two may have similarities but you are way different from him. He is always alone and you surround yourself with friends. You’re passionate, kind to others, but fierce in battle. You are protective of those you care about. You’ll be a wonderful badass mother one day.” Just the thought of her being a mother made his stomach flutter. Maybe only in his dreams, she would be round with his child.

“I….I mean being a mom would be something I always wanted to be if I survived this war.” Mikasa thought about motherhood for years. She thought once this hell is over maybe Eren would realize how much she loved him, but that idea died when her comrades recused Queen Historia from him and his older brother.

“You would look beautiful… even though you will always look beautiful no matter how you looked.” Again he blushed as he looked away.

“Reiner, are you proposing for me to have your child; it seems that way?” The dark haired beauty smirked teasingly.

“I- what? No! I mean I don’t want to put you in a situation where you will be alone with a child once I...passed away from the curse.” He became nervous.

“How long do you have until you're dead..?” Mikasa felt her heart squeeze from thinking about him already dying.

“A year.” He said in a low tone.

The Asian woman nodded from his response. “This probably shouldn’t be a good idea but we can try...if faith allows us to have a child then so be it. I want to be with a man who will love me for me and just make me feel I'm the only woman in this cruel world.” The assassin gently placed her hand on his lap.

The blonde man felt his heartbeat pound loudly. He can feel her hand gently slide up his thigh. His manhood woke up excitedly as it throb to be free from his trouser which it was getting tighter. “W-will you let me be that man?” His tone became husky.

As his tone got deep and raspy, Mikasa felt the warmth feeling below where her core pulsed with excitement. Now, her tone became seductive. “Yes, I can’t stop thinking about you since our encounter on the rooftop. Honestly, I wasn’t expecting the kiss to make me feel alive. Since then, just thinking of you made me feel a woman for once. I haven’t felt like this with anyone; not even with Eren.”

Reiner didn’t know what possessed him, but he boldly captured her lips with his passionately kissing Mikasa. The Paradisian woman was a bit startled, but adjusting the deep kiss quickly. Her hands cupped his cheeks while their tongue fought for domination. Mikasa shifted her body to sit on his lap while Reiner placed his hands on her waist. She could feel how his hands moved up and down her sides. Mikasa slowly begins to rock her body to grind on him. Reiner felt his cock throbbing hard. He let out a groan. They broke free from their kiss, but Renier hovers his lips on her neck.

Mikasa whimpered from the tease of his hot breath hitting on her skin. Her body started getting hotter so quickly she began to remove her assassin outfit. Reiner happily helped her. He now kisses and bites her neck as her outfit was discarded on the floor. Only her undergarment was still on.

“Am I the only man to make you feel this needy?” He growled low close to her ear.

“Mmm y-yes, you make me touch myself when I'm alone here.” Her moan was the most sexiest sound he ever heard.

“What a naughty girl you are?” He chuckled and let his finger hooked the hem of her panties to slide them off slowly. His other hand unhooked her bra as it fell off from her. Her breasts were exposed. He could see her nipples hard. Reiner let his hand gently massage both of her breasts.

Mikasa moaning increased. She closed her eyes to enjoy the pleasure of the way he touched her breasts. Slowly, her legs spread apart as her pussy produced more slick and the throb of her clitoris made it eager for her wanting attention down below.

Reiner other hand slides to grope her thigh then travels up to between her legs. His finger rubbed her clitoris which a wave of ecstasy spread in her body.

“Ohhhh yes Reiner….d-don’t s-stop p-please.” She kept moaning.

The blonde man is already busy suckling and licking both of her nipples one at a time. He took his time to taste her soft skin. He can’t believe it that he’s actually doing this with the woman he had a crush with. He enjoys her moans become louder while his fingering goes at a fast pace. Mikasa begins to rock her hips against her finger. He added two more into her hole. This drove her on the edge.

Mikasa may be high on getting finger fucked, but she glanced at him to see his clothes are not off. She let out an animalistic growl and undo clothes aggressively. Something deep in her subconscious awakened. A familiar voice whispered.

Claim him...claim mate now…

Reiner felt how she undo his clothes and removed them. Now equally, his body was exposed as Mikasa’s. His vision became clear from the pleasure he was giving to her. He noticed Mikasa’s eyes glowing silver. The titan shifter was hypnotized. His eyes glowed amber. Like animals, they wrestled for domination again.

There were biting, sucking, and scratching. Their moans and growls echoed in the abandonment building. Finally, Reiner had her on her hands and knees bend over. His grip was on her hips. Mikasa pressed her ass on his cock grinding to feel his precum pulsing shaft on her entrance.

“Fuck Mikasa, let me try to be gentle with you.” He groans.

Her head shook. “N-no, I don’t want you to be gentle...I want rough. I need your f-fucking thick meaty cock inside me!” She begged with a demanding tone.

“This is the first time you are becoming demanding.” He mumbled. “But…this is your first time? I don’t want to hurt you.” he said.

“I’m an Ackerman, pain is the least of my concerns. Please Reiner just fuck me. I have been wanting you all this week.” Her whimpers were visible.

He stopped her then spread her bottom cheeks to see how wet she was for him. He felt pride in what he had done to her. Already with his hard cock, he thrusted into her pussy.

Mikasa cried with joy and bliss from feeling his thick meaty cock stretching inside her walls. Her body shakes from the pleasure and an electric familiar feeling spread every inch of her body. She hasn’t felt this since her awakening when she lost her biological family.

Reiner growls and keeps thrusting into her harder. His body leaned on hers while fucking her as she demanded. The sound of slapping skins echoing the room. His lips kissed ferociously on her neck. He whispered sweet words and promises in her ear.

Mikasa sobbing with bliss as she listens to Reiner’s sweet words. She wants it all. She wants love, happiness, family, marriage, and him. Mostly him. Even though it's going to be for a year, she doesn’t care. As long she gets to be with him in those 12 months. Mikasa knows she’ll be ok if faith blesses her having his child.

(Somewhere in Wall Sina, Paradis Isle)

Levi was riding his horse back to the Orphanage. He had finished all his assassin’s duties to finally come home to Historia. As he got closer to the familiar roads, far in the horizon; Levi saw black smoke in the sky. His sense started to pick up the burning scent. His heart dropped when the location was where the Orphanage is. The raven haired man kicked his horse to gallop faster to the smoke location.

When the view of the property became near, he saw it was the building along the cottage that both him and Historia put time and enough. He got off his horse and ran toward the heated area.

“Historia! Historia!” Levi screamed desperately for his wife. Maybe she hid herself along with the kids and the caretakers. Whoever does this they will pay with their lives? The place was black like charcoal. There were some small fires but it’s dying down. The captain walked through the Orphanage first. God, he hopes there’s no bodies here.

He saw the second floor gone. The rumbles of burnt wood and other materials laid on the ground. Levi carefully removes the things to spot anything who has done this. He lifts a pile and sees what he fears. Few burnt bodies. Most of them were adults, but one child lay crouching. For almost nine months, Levi had begun feeling fatherly. It angered him that probably a group or one person did this sinister act. He saw a shiny silver that caught his attention. Levi picked it up and brushed off the ashes to see it was the Templar cross.

“Those fucking bastards!” He gripped tightly the cross. As he glanced at it, the cross was dented from his strength. He placed it into his pocket to have as evidence. If there were only a few that died, where are the rest of them? He goes to the stables.

Levi reached to the stables to see it was untouched. He walked in and heard noises from under.

“Come out now.” He said sternly.

A tiny head pops out from the stack of hays. “Captain Levi you’re back!”

The little girl Kathy ran towards him to hug him tightly while sobbing. “Where are the others?” He changed his tone a bit softer for the crying child.

The child glanced at the captain when he kneel down to eye level her. “S-some were burnt...others were shot and thrown into the lake. Only us hid in the hays. Historia was taken by the bad men...one of them called Zeke.”

That fucking piece of shit Zeke. He was behind on all this. Levi tried to remain calm since he doesn’t want to scare the kid.

He heard shuffle from the hays and the rest of the children came out. Thank fucking Walls the children survived. They probably killed the adults. This time he won’t fail both Erwin and Historia. Zeke Jaeger will die by his blades.

“Come kids, let’s head to town. I’ll make sure you’re all safe.” The assassin had bottled up his bloodlust rage. He can’t go on the rampage yet. The kids need to be safe first. His titan wanted to come out.

Those fuckers. They will meet their death. How dare they kidnap our queen. We must go after her to protect her and our offspring.

“We will but let's take the kids first.” He whispers which only Iapetus heard in his subconscious.

“Captain? Who are you talking to?” Kathy looked at Levi curiously.

“No one, kiddo.” His eyes reflect silver which Kathy felt a bit frightened, but she knows the captain won’t harm her and the kids. He’s a good guy. A hero. A knight especially to Historia.

He gathered the surviving children. Levi noticed there are still two horses in the stable. He goes to the animals and takes them out to prepare the saddles. Once the horses are ready, he leads both the children and the horses where his horse awaits for him.

“OK only some of you will ride on the horses. The little ones will go on them including mine. The oldest I’m sure you guys can walk until we reach the next town.” He stared at the kids. Some were still shaken up from the event earlier.

He helped the smallest kids into threes on all the three horses. Only a few kids are a bit older from 7 to 13. The thirteen year old was holding a baby. She’s probably around 6 months.

“Here I’ll carry her. You’ll need your strength right now.” He said to the girl holding the baby.

She nodded and gave the baby to Levi. Might as well get used to it. He’ll be carrying his own brat soon. God, he hopes his and Historia’s kid will survive. Finally everything is ready and they all walked or rode on the road to the closest town.

They reached into town by late afternoon. The kids whined from being tired and hungry. Even the baby cried from missing her meal time. Luckily, he saw a very familiar Commander.

“Oi Dok.” He called out. The other man glanced to see it was Levi with the rest of the children. Something must have happened.

“Why do you have the orphans with you? Where is the queen?” Commander Dok of the Military Police began to question Levi.

Levi was getting annoyed. He glared at the commander. “I just got back from the capitol to find the property burnt to the ground. Some bodies were burnt too. The kids say the rest adults were killed and thrown to the lake. Historia….the queen was kidnapped. They fucking took her. They took my pregnant wife, Nile.” His voice was shaking with anger and fear. He fears if he doesn’t find her; there is a chance both could be dead.

“Wait what? Who? We need to alert the Premier.” Nile said.

“Come let’s go to the station and I’m sure these kids want to eat and rest.” Nile looked at the kids and felt sorry for them. They must have seen awful things.

Some of the MPs help out the kids that are on the horses off. The horses were sent to the stables to rest and be fed. Once they all entered the headquarters, one of the female MPs attended the kids. The baby that Levi is carrying didn’t want to leave his arms.

“Hey kiddo, she won’t hurt you.” He is trying to calm her down. The thirteenth year old took the baby from Levi which he was gladly that helped. The baby nuzzled onto the girl. The captain watched the kids leaving to the mess hall for food.

“Bye Levi. Promise you will save her.” Kathy ran to hug him tightly.

“Don’t worry I will.” He said. Then he let go of her as she catch up with the group.

Now it was him and Dok. They headed to the office and sat down.

“We need to act fast. Especially the condition her Majesty is in.” Nile said as he started writing the letter.

“I know. Last week she began getting cramps. Very soon my kid will be born.” Levi said.

“I’m still not used to the idea, but I’m sorry what you are going through, Captain. This is every husband and father's worst nightmare.” The MP commander sympathizes with Levi.

The captain was quiet but nodded. “It was the fucking Templars and the Jeagerists. They became allies.” He grabbed the dented cross and aggressively placed it on Nile’s desk. Nile was disturbed of this news. The queen is in grave danger.

“What will you do now?” Nile asked.

“I’m going to pass the message to Hange and my grandfather what had happened then go find those bastards and slaughter them especially Zeke. He is mine.” His tone became dark and sinister.

Dok never saw the captain like this. He had heard his notorious bloodlust when it came to titans. The middle aged man took a glimpse of files about the Ackerman clan. They are the product of titan genes to make them the perfect warriors to protect the royal family and slay titans. They are titans in their human forms. At first, he doesn’t believe it, but seeing Levi’s eyes glowing silver ready to unleash chaos. This gave him chills.

Levi had his hoodie up to cover him. “Will the kids be fine here? I’m putting their lives into your own hands, Commander.” He said as he turned around.

“Of course, we’ll keep an eye on them.” Dok said.

“Good. I gotta go. See you around and thanks.” Levi walked out the room and the chills disappeared from the room. Dok gasped since he didn’t realize he was holding his breath.

Levi got on his horse and rode away to the Capitol. War had been declared. Levi Ackerman and Iapetus are eager to shed blood on the enemies.

They will be praying to their god for mercy.

(unknown location in Wall Sina)

Historia was dragged to a beautiful luxurious bedroom. Her labor has calmed down. She was too weak to fight. Her kidnappers place her on the bed. She sees maids running around preparing for the birth.

“Where is this so called King?” Her voice was weak but still held a stern tone.

“Oh I’m here, my queen.” No, it can’t be true? It’s him.

“You.” Her tone spewed it like acid when she saw Lord Evans.

“Yes, it’s me. The mastermind of all this. Here’s what you will do. You deliver your spawn then get ready for our wedding. I’m already crowned by the High Priest Of the Walls. I have the rightful claim then you. You’re nothing but a bastard borned from sins and lust. But the people adorns you so I’m merciful to make you my queen consort. Your child will have no rights to the throne as it will be a bastard like it’s parents.” He smirked.

“You! YOU’RE A TRAITOR.” Historia’s blue eyes glared at the man.

“My darling, I think it is you that’s the traitor. You being a bastard taking the throne. You have changed what our ancestor King Karl Fritz had worked hard to make sure our kingdom stayed isolated and ignorant from the outside world. And the worst of all, you whore yourself with an Ackerman. Once we get married, I will install the old laws which include prosecuting the last Ackerman line forever. Don’t worry, I will only let your child live for now.” He laughed and walked away.

Historia screamed in fury. This isn’t happening. This is becoming too much. She wants Levi here to comfort her.

“You’re Majesty, I’ll be your head midwife to safely deliver your heir.” The woman who’s in her mid 50’s whispered to the queen.

“Huh? Aren’t you working for Lord Evans? How can I know you will try to fish me out of information for that asshole?” Historia grunted from the pain but her tone was cold. Right now, how can she trust? It seems enemies are everywhere for her.

“My queen, I may work for him, but my loyalty lies with you. You are our queen. The Walls had blessed you to rule this kingdom. It was you who slayed the enormous titan. It was you who protected the people. And it was you who care and listen to the people. You are the People's queen. Now, let’s welcome the crowned princess or prince to this world.” The midwife smiled at Historia then called in her apprentices for assistance.

“These fine ladies are my assistance who are under apprenticeships to study to be a midwife.” Historia glanced to see girls from 13- 20 years of age lined up and pay respect to her with a courtesy. “Your Majesty.” All of the girls greeted her.

Historia was about to say something, but another major contraction appeared. “Ahhh!”

“Alright, girls you know what to do. Have the bowl of cold water ready and drench the towel to cool off her body.” The senior midwife ordered her apprentices as they rushed to prepare. The midwife had Historia get comfortable on the bed laying down. She lifts up Historia’s nightgown to have her legs spread.

The old woman sees the entrance already widen open and barely sees the baby’s head. “Alright, your majesty. On the count of three, you will make a big push. Ready? Now, push.”

Historia lifted her head up as she pushed hard. The pain was unbearable. It felt her back was split in two. The queen screamed in agony. “Ahhhhhh. It hurts! I don’t think I can’t do this.” She pleaded from this awful pain. Is this what her mother endured when she gave birth to her? Maybe that’s why she hated her. Oh god, she doesn’t want to become like her mother and hate her own child.

“Your majesty, you must keep pushing. The head is not out. Your child will die if it's not out to breathe.” The midwife trying to reason with her. One of the girls damped the wet cool towel on Historia’s forehead.

“I-I can’t...I need him here. He’s supposed to be here with me.” the queen began to sob.

“Who? Lord Evans?” another girl asked.

“No, you ignorant child. The father of her majesty’s heir.” The oldest girl said.

Historia felt exhausted but the baby was trying to come out. She feels scared like when Historia was Krista in her Survey Corps years. Those were happy times even if they put their lives in danger from titans.

“L-levi where are you?” The queen whimpered then another pain consumed her.

“Levi? As the Captain Levi Ackerman of the Survey Corps? You’re carrying his child.” The girls gasped from this information.

“Girls! Focus. Worry about chatting later.” The old woman scolded at them.

Historia tried again to push. “Grrrrr-ahhhhh!”

“I see the head is out. You’re doing a good job, my queen.” The midwife said.

As the blonde haired woman paintings, her sight was getting blurring from the dizziness and exhaustion. She breathed in and out. Her face was pale like white sheets covered with swears. Her golden hair was expanded on the pillows but looked dampen. Historia feels like dying from this hellish torture called childbirth.

“Just three more pushes and the baby is out. Promise you.” The old woman said.

Historia gained more strength to make the last three pushes. Her scream had echoed the whole place that Lord Evans and his allies could hear her agony screams.

“The baby is out. You did it, your majesty.” The midwife holds the baby, but the newborn hasn’t made a sound. The midwife was worried. She slapped the newborn’s bottom which finally a crying noise was heard. It was not loud but it’s better than no sound.

“Congratulations to your majesty, he is alive and healthy. Let us clean him and you’ll meet your son.” The old midwife said with a smile. She passed the baby boy to one of her girls as some helped clean up the baby while the rest cleaned up after Historia.

The queen let out a cry of joy from hearing her son’s cries. She did it. She gave birth to Levi’s son. Historia was too weak and distorted. She felt something heavy on her arms and looked down to her it was her baby. “My little miracle. You’re finally here. I’m your mother and I love you so much already.” She whispered to the baby.

The baby opened his eyes to show it’s blue like hers. He inherited Levi’s raven hair and nose. Most of his features are Levi’s only her colored eyes are on him. “Welcome to the world, Atticus Ackerman-Reiss.”

Her son looked at her curiously, but already formed a smile for his mother. This brings Historia with joy. How did her and Levi make this pure angel? He is her everything along with Levi. Then she thought about something that will keep her son safe from Lord Evans, the Jeagerists, and the templars.

“Mrs. Goodman, you said you’re loyal to me right? Please, take my son to the Commander Hange secretly. Lord Evans and his allies will kill him if they see how my boy resembles his father. I beg of you...please.” Historia stared at the woman with pleading eyes.

“You’re majesty, his lordship promises he won’t hurt the prince.” The old woman is trying to reassure her.

Historia shaking her head in disagreement. “No, I don’t trust his promises especially allying with Zeke and his followers and the templars. They burnt the Orphanage down. Children and caretakers died from there. So please take him before they do god knows what awful things they have plans.”

“Your Majesty, I don’t mind taking the baby safely to the Survey Commander.” The eldest girl volunteered. The midwife stared at her. “Are you prepared? You can’t be caught by anyone until you reach there. Do you understand, girl?”

The 20 year old nodded. “Yes, I’m prepared. I will make sure the prince is in safe hands.” She was determined.

“Already child, let’s quickly prepare the child and you to leave. We’ll say the baby struggled to breathe and died within minutes. My queen you must act like a grieving mother to fool them. Can you do that?” The midwife said. Historia nodded.

The apprentices and the midwife begin to get the baby ready which he wraps warmly with a clean blanket. At first, Historia had a hard time to let go of her son; but it’s necessary to do this. She kissed him on his tiny forehead. “Gods...the Walls please as a mother protect him. Protect my only child from harm. I can’t lose him.” her tears stream down. She gave Atticus to the girl who was placed in a basket. Before leaving, Historia asked for a paper and pen to write a note for Hange. Finally, place the note on the basket and watch the girl sneaking away with Atticus to safety.

Historia placed her hands on her face as she sobbed. Already being away from her son is breaking her heart. She feels alone. Soon, she will be forced to marry that despicable asshole. All he would do was to breed her into having more kids than probably kill her off. The queen silently prayed for her warrior to come take her away.

The young apprentice walked hastily on the dark cold road. Lord Nathaniel Evans’ property was far away from the capitol. She covered her head with a blue hood and held the basket carefully. She took a glimpse of the newborn prince who whimpered from feeling not being around his mother. Poor little one, he will be separated from his mother. The girl glanced back at the lights from the estate to see guards patrolling the area. Quickly, she entered the forest to hide from their sight. It’s a good thing, she knows the way through the forest.

Meanwhile back at the Evans estates, Lord Nathaniel barged into the room where Historia had given birth earlier. “What happened? Why is my bride crying like a banshee?” He glared at the blonde petite woman who was on the bed crying hysterical.

“I’m sorry Lord Evans but the child died. He only lasted a few minutes before he was gone.” The midwife made a sad expression. She understands the heartbreak the queen feels.

“A son? And you sure he died?” The nobleman was surprised. Looks like Ackerman’s seed wasn’t that strong as they claim. This is perfect. One Ackerman down. Two more to go.

“Where’s the corpse?” He asked while trying to ignore the wailing sound of Historia grieving.

“We have to cremate the smell that is already getting bad from the decompose.” The midwife continued explaining.

“Do you have the ashes at least?” He kept interrogating the older woman.

“Of course, we put it in a tiny container for her to keep it. A mother’s loss is something not easily forgotten.” She goes to grab the metal container and hands it to him. Nathaniel took it to open the lid to see ashes in it. Then handed back to the midwife.

“Very well, she may keep it as a wedding present.” He glimpsed at Historia who now glared with hatred in her cold blue eyes.

“Don’t give me that look. You will soon forget your dead son. You’ll have plenty of children once we are married. This is a sign of your union with that low level criminal was unbalanced and invalid.” Nathaniel gave a pouch of golden coins to the midwife. “Here, for your service. You may leave. Historia will need to get ready for her wedding.”

The midwife caught the pouch and frowned. “My king, I implore you to let your bride rest. She just gave birth and lost a child. I suggest you postpone the wedding for her health sake.”

“She will be fine. Historia had gone through much worse than losing a half-breed.” He said.

Historia growls in anger. “Fuck you! You don’t get to assume what was the worst I endured! You took everything from me. My orphanage that I worked so hard to have a home for unwanted children. My home where my husband and I built together! And now my child. My son...he only get to fucking live minutes. I hope Levi will come after you and torture you. I will gladly watch while sipping my tea and decorate your head on a spike. That’s my wedding gift to you, oh my dear darling.” The queen felt a slap on her cheek.

“Whore you have no authority towards your true king!” He said with rage. The usurper quickly glared at the midwife and the apprentice which they were terrified for their queen.

“Why haven’t you left? You did your duties and I paid. Leave now!” He yelled at them which they gladly left.

Now it’s him and Historia. The nobleman grabbed her hair to drag her out of the room while Historia began kicking and screaming. He entered another room and there were the maids waiting for their lord’s orders.

“Maids, prepare this bitch for the wedding within a couple hours. I want her in the wedding dress I bought for her. Then escort her on the vehicle so it will take her to the main citadel in the capitol for our wedding and the coronation. By morning the whole island will wake up with a true king and his royal consort. So, be ready Historia, the templars will rule this island and Marley.” He chuckled darkly and shoveled her, Historia fell on the ground. He walked away to go get ready. Behind him, fainted whimpers from Historia were heard as the double doors closed.

(The capitol, Mitras)

One by one templars assassinated higher ups and a personal army from Lord Evans marched into the city. The MPs begin to shoot their rifles. Chaos had started. Civilians woke up from the bloodshed nightmare. Some hid, but others ran for safety.

Meanwhile at the Survey Corps headquarters, the girl finally reached there and knocked the door loud. Quickly, ran away from the building when it opened to see Sasha looked down where the basket was.

“Aww what a cutie?!” Sasha is cooing the baby. Little Atticus began to cry. The soldier freaked out and picked up the basket since the noise of rifles and screams was heard away in the main plaza.

“Let’s get you somewhere safe.” Sasha said and walked to see a note there. She picked it up to read it. Then gasped to know whose child it is. As she holded the basket, Sasha ran to the Commander’s office and pounded the door.

“Commander Hange!” She shouted out then the door opened to see both Hange and William were interrupted in their nightly activity.

“Why do you have a baby with you, Sasha? Remember what we tackled about they are not pets where you can take home.” Hange said.

“Commander please read this note. This is Queen Historia and Captain Levi’s baby.” The soldier gave the note to her higher up. William read from over his girlfriend’s shoulder.

“So the queen had given birth and sent someone to bring the baby here. Lord Evans was behind all this chaos that’s happening now.” Hange frowned.

“We need to find a different location. The templars will come after us and find the baby. They think he died.” Williams said with concern. He picked up his great grandson who stopped crying.

“He needs to be fed.” Bill goes to find baby formula since they have an emergency in case an orphan child is needed.

“We need to leave now, I’ll send a message to Levi that we’re relocating to our secret hideout.” Hange said.

“What about helping the Mps?” Sasha said.

“I will lean some of the scouts for Commander Dok to help out. But I will need my best soldiers to protect the crown prince. He is our hope along Queen Historia. Thank goodness she is still alive, but we need a better plan to get her out. Right now we relocate for his highness’s safety. Plus, Levi will go batshit crazy once he finds out what had happened to Historia.” The Commander already got ready to lead her regiment.

Once she gave the order what was happening, everyone packed up necessary things. The assassins took their best weapons while the soldiers filled up their tanks for their OMD gears. After everything was ready, they left the building abandonment. Some of the soldiers and assassin head to the destruction while the rest leave the city.

(Marley)

Both Mikasa and Reiner were enjoying each other's company when far away they heard guns and screams. They looked at the view to see chaos.

“What the hell is going on? Mikasa please don’t tell me it’s you guys?’ Reiner said.

“What? No, it’s definitely not us. We don’t have firearms.” Mikasa frowned. She goes to grab her clothes to put them back on. “I need to go.”

She felt her arm being grabbed. “Wait, Mikasa...I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to jump into conclusions.” His expression felt guilty.

“It’s fine….I’m just as shocked as you.” She said.

“Will I see you before you leave the island?” He said with hope.

“Yeah, just be careful out there. Meet me at the edge of the city in the south.” She leans to kiss him. “I’ll see you later.” She smiled then stepped back to turn around and leave.

Reiner quickly dressed up and headed out to go to the base first. He hopes everyone is ok and defends their home. It can’t be Paradis. His comrades had been keeping an eye on them for a while. Who could it be that’s invading his home? Maybe it’s those Templars that Mikasa mentioned.

The titan shifter ran fast pace while avoiding getting shot. When he entered the internment zone, he saw his comrade squads already fighting. An enemy stopped him. The blonde man noticed the cross symbol on the other. So it is the templars that Mikasa warned about. Shit, they are fucked.

“Why are you doing this?” He yelled at the templar.

“For the peace and dream of the Templar’s Order.” The man said with pride.

The templar began to attack Reiner which the titan shifter dodged his attack. He’s glad the power of being a titan shifter, his strength and speed are abnormal than an average strong human.

The other man growls in annoyance and charges at him again. Reiner uses his leg to kick the shin of the knee and disarm the firearm to point at the enemy. Without hesitation he shot the templar between his eyes. The blonde Eldian ran towards his comrades.

“Guys, what’s going on? Where’s Gabi and the young candidates?” He asked.

Porco and Pieck turned around to see their Deputy Chief already here. “Our military and government had gone coup d’etat. Most of our higher officials were assassinated. Those devils outsmarted us.” Porco was busy aiming his gun at the enemies. The armies from the shoreline were bombed and not a lot of them survived. Our soldiers are small now.”

“I don’t think it’s the Paradis devils. You know they are not that advanced in technology as we do. The only thing they have is the titans. Eren had most of them. And Zeke will betray us. The colossal titan belonged to another Paradisan named, Armin Arlet. So it’s just us three and a small number of soldiers.” Reiner explained. “We need to go to the base to check to find the rest.”

All three begin to run to the main base. They stopped when on the other side their comrades were shooting at the enemies while vice versa. The templar’s armies had a big machine weapon that shoots ammunition with fast speed.

“Shit, we gotta shift to help our comrades.” Porco was distressed from seeing the bloody sight. Suddenly, Pieck screamed when a bullet shot on her shoulder. She fell from the pain.

“Pieck!” Both men turned to help their fellow female soldier up. Some of the enemies spotted them and aimed their weapons at them. So both Reiner and Porco dragged their friend and comrade to a safer area to be shield from the attack.

“One of us has to distract them. Porco you go take Pieck to the base where they will treat her at the base hospital.” Reiner said.

They were about to protest until they heard two gear sounds and screams from the enemies. Reiner looked around to see it was their lost long comrade, Annie Leonhart.

“A-annie?” Reiner was shook seeing her. He thought she was still a prisoner.

The Female Titan landed in front of them. “It’s been a while guys.”

All three were so happy one of their own had made it home. But they see another blonde figure landed beside her.

“Wait, What the hell what is he doing here? Why do you have our enemy beside you.” Porco frowned as he stared at Armin Arlet.

“Touch him and I wouldn’t hesitate to chop your legs and arms. He’s here to help everyone out against these Templars and their soldiers.” Annie glared at Porco. She will not let anyone harm her boyfriend.

Reiner may have an idea that these two were with Mikasa the whole time for some mission. He can’t judge Annie being involved with their supposed enemy since he is after all with Mikasa earlier.

“Alright, let’s calm down and not jump to conclusions. We have a bigger problem right now.” Reiner used his leadership tone.

“He is right. We need to work together. Forget our past of hatred with each other. This war is us against templars. If they win, we’ll be all screwed. I mean the whole world screw. We all want peace so let’s make it happen together.” Armin's inspirational monologue made them contemplated.

“We’ll have to get to the base quick then.” Reiner said.

“Wait, if we go; they will shoot Armin since he’s a Paradisan.” Porco said while carrying a wounded Pieck.

“I won’t let that happen.” Annie said darkly. Armin felt a hint of a blush from how protective Annie is towards him. They both confessed their feelings when Annie used to be a prisoner and he visited her often.

“Pfft I can’t believe you're fornicating with the enemy.” Porco mumbled.

Annie rolled her eyes at him. “Oh I’m not the only one who had fornicated with an ‘enemy’. Isn’t that right, Reiner?” She glanced at her old friend and comrade. Reiner was flushed from her comment. He coughed. “This isn’t the time to gossip our sex life.” He said in a cool tone. Now, Porco was a bit stunned that his deputy chief also slept with an enemy before, but he is right they have no time for whatever this conversation was. Pieck needs medical attention soon.

“Let’s go. She is losing a lot of blood.” Porco was worried for her. She groaned in pain. All five of them make their way to the war zone between the base and the enemies.

A/N: For those waiting for Annie's appearance. She’s finally here! I was contemplating where to have her appear. So a lot of crazy things had happened in this chapter. Yes, the baby is finally born and his name is Atticus Ackerman-Reiss uwu. He looks like his papa Levi but with Historia’s blue eyes. Tell me what you guys think of this interesting chapter? Yes, there were dark scenes. Also there will be a more dark scene in the next chapter with Historia. War can bring out the darkness in you especially trying to protect your loved ones. Ok, enjoy this chapter guys! Love you all. Until next time.

#rivahisu #levihisu #levi ackerman #historia reiss #reiner braun #mikasa ackerman #reikasa #pieck finger #porco galliard #annie leonhart #armin arlet #crossover #fanfic #attack on titan #snk #aot #assassin's creed

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